After a delightful New Year's Eve I got the call that I knew would be coming. My Uncle Dennis passed away on New Year's Day. He was at home and surrounded by his family. I am glad that those were the circumstances.
I didn't know what to feel when I got the news. Do I throw away over 40 years of him being a loving uncle for what has gone down in the last several years? Do I forget that he was the first extended family member to bond with Tyler? Do I forget that my Uncle Dennis met him before anyone else did and wrote letter to my grandparents about him and called my mom to say that, "This is the guy. This is the guy that Kristin is going to marry." Do I forget that he was the first person in my family that Tyler secretly showed my engagement ring to as we stopped at his house on our way to the lake where Tyler would propose to me a few days later? Do I forget that he was the only person I have ever known that ordered pineapple milkshakes? Do I forget all the time that I spent at his house while he would babysit us so that my mom and her sister could run around and do sister things? Do I forget him teaching me to country dance? Do I forget spending time at his mom's house and eating her spudnuts? Do I forget talks around the kitchen table at the lake that helped shape my life? Do I forget standing on him in the water as he flipped me backwards into the lake? Do I forget polyester parties where he (and my aunt) and all of us would dress up in old vintage clothes and walk around on the beach? Do I forget that he liked Miracle Whip while everyone else in our family liked Best Foods so my grandma would have to keep a little jar just for him? Do I forget my grandma hiding sweets from him because he had an uncontrollable sweet tooth? Do I forget him hurling water balloons at me in giant water fights at the lake? Do I forget him teaching me to play baseball and having epic games at the lake? Do I forget that he gave me and Tyler some sound marriage advice that has served us well all of these years? Do I forget that he was funny and made me laugh? Do I forget that he would take me out for burgers when I was in college when he would come to town? So many memories. These are just a few. I have so many conflicting feelings as I have been trying to process my relationship with him over the years.
What are you supposed to feel when someone has been in your life for decades and not all of those decades were bad? Do I forget the pain and hurt that he (and his wife) caused not only me and my brother but also my mom for years and another beloved uncle and aunt. My mom's sister has done serious damage to many in our extended family. Do I wish that he would have reigned her in or held her accountable or got her into counseling or something instead of allowing/enabling her behavior and then taking sides with my sisters about the lake. He had the opportunity to be a voice of reason and he declined that opportunity. He allowed dysfunction and toxicity to fuel a massive family fire and destroy relationships. That is hard to forget.
I watched and read tributes to him as they were posted all over social media. People talking about how amazing, loving, and supportive he was and how he was fair and kind and treated everyone with love and respect. How he would go out of his way to help everyone. And I wondered...why not me?
I can tell you right now that Tyler would not stand by and watch me torch relationships with other people or treat them terribly. He would not allow me to do things that deeply hurt others. He wouldn't. I wouldn't like him calling me out for it or making me go to counseling to deal with my issues. I might even hate him for it but he would still do it. Why didn't my uncle step in and do that with my aunt? Why didn't he say enough is enough? Why didn't he try to be a bridge and help heal and bring the family together? I know that he at least agreed with me and Kirk financially. We heard it from his own son. It makes no sense. I know that families tend to cater to the most dysfunctional person in the family as a way to keep the peace but still.
After his passing I reached out to his kids...the ones that I have some minimal contact with and expressed my condolences. Regardless of all the other family BS losing a beloved parent is HARD. Kirk and I found out that my uncle didn't want a funeral. He just wanted to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered in places that he loved and that their family will have a small private memorial for him at some future date.
My Aunt Bonnie (the one aunt that we are still close to) reached out to Kirk and I to check in with us and to see how we were doing. She and her family have also been estranged from my uncle and his family for even longer than we have. She told Kirk and I that we are her family and that she loves us unconditionally. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. We appreciate her and her support so much. It was good to have someone who truly understands to talk to about things like this. It's all so complicated.
It was good that Kameron and Ailey were still at home when it happened and that we could talk about it as a family. Reilly and Kameron are the oldest cousins in my mom's family so they grew up hanging out with the youngest kids in my uncle's family. They have 9 kids. Their three youngest kids are close to Reilly and Kameron's ages. With Kameron and Ailey living in Rexburg and regularly running into some of his family members it was good to be able to talk about how to navigate situations like that. Why do things have to be so difficult? I heard back from most of the cousins that I reached out to. I'm fine with things as they stand. I feel peace that I attempted to reach out to him. I feel peace that the last time I saw him was at the dedication of the clinic named after my mom. I spoke to him briefly and we hugged. My aunt on the other hand refused to acknowledge my presence.
So here I stand. Conflicted...with 1,000 questions.
0 comments:
Post a Comment