Ailey's 17th Birthday

 Happy Birthday Ailey!

She's 17!!

Ailey's birthday was a bit of a bust this year but she was a good sport about it. It came right in the middle of the busiest weekend imaginable. The good news was that she got to celebrate it at the lake and that Kirk and Meki were here.

Her birthday started out in Spokane. She and Tyler both had to work so they were in town and Bryn and I were out at the lake. Ailey woke up to donuts and chocolate milk from Tyler which she loved! Bryn and I drove into Spokane and picked her up when she was done with her breakfast shift. We had decorated the lake house and made her favorite ice cream cake. Ailey wanted to go to McDonald's for lunch so we did that too. The majority of her friends were all at youth conference. (Ailey didn't get to go because she couldn't take work off.) Even though her friends weren't supposed to have their phones at youth conference Ailey got a lot of hilarious videos, birthday posts, and messages!!

That afternoon Kirk, Meki, and Tyler all arrived. In between all of the work to get the lake house ready for the photographer who was coming the next day we managed to have a pizza party for Ailey and ate her ice cream birthday cake and even found time for a night swim.

After our hectic weekend was over and we were back in town. Ailey requested a clothes shopping spree and lunch date. We found her some cute summer clothes and had fun! The day after that we headed to Utah, which was also something that she really wanted to do for her birthday, so she could have a lot of cousin time with Kaiya. 

Cutest cousins!!

So even though it was kind of a hectic birthday; Ailey still had fun and felt loved and celebrated.

Happy Birthday Ailey!!

We LOVE you!

Father's Day 2021

 Father's Day!

Tyler decided how he wanted to celebrate Father's Day and we were happy to oblige! This year since he had to be at church and had multiple meetings; he wanted more of a relaxing Father's Day at home. Done!

His morning started bright and early with his requested Eggs Benedict breakfast! Have I mentioned how amazing Ailey's hollandaise sauce is a million times yet? It is so freaking good! She has perfected Eggs Benedict and Tyler couldn't be more thrilled! It's his very favorite breakfast dish.

Tyler woke up to sweet Father's Day posts from all of his children. I wish I would've screen shot them all. Here's Kameron's...

Then he was off to church. Our Father's Day Sacrament meeting was a good one. Tyler was conducting and had lined up some great speakers. I loved that this year it was acknowledged and honored that not everyone has/had a loving father, honored the situation of those who had lost a father, and honored the single mothers who were both mother and father to their children. (That had a lot to do with Tyler being in the bishopric and his influence and it was much needed.)  All second hour classes were cancelled and we had a Pie Linger Longer instead. Our ward LOVES a Linger Longer and utilizes them any time that we can: Christmas Sunday, Easter Sunday, and after the Primary Program. It was fun for EVERYONE (not just the men) to just eat pie and socialize!

After church, Tyler had a special video chat with our favorite missionary!! I love my guys! They are the best!! 

Then it was time for Tyler to celebrate with his girls! Reilly and Hunter had to divide and conquer this year as both dads were celebrating at the same time. (Hunter's parents live 5 minutes from us.)

Tyler wanted to BBQ and hang out in our yard and on our deck. It's something that we have barely done this hectic and stressful summer. It felt good!

We had a lot of fun! Tyler requested some new (and nicer) camping gear for Father's Day since now he is camping all of the time with the youth. He picked it out and had it shipped to himself! He was thrilled about it and it made it really easy on all of us. LOL.

We played games...which actually included giving each other psychological tests which is apparently how we get our kicks! LOL. Ever since we found out that Ailey has no mind's eye this way; we can't be stopped! Who knows what other weirdness could be discovered! Kam took the tests too!

We also verified that Reilly is now taller than me and that Bryn is definitely taller than Ailey:

  

I asked the kids in advance to text me what values they felt that they have learned from Tyler. (I stole this idea from Matthew McConaughey). It actually turned out to be an unexpectedly touching experience. 

Reilly: 

The importance of having a work ethic and honoring the Johnson name.

Kameron:

Work hard. Never do a job half-way or half-a**ed.

Be a man of your word. If you say you're going to do something, do it, and do it well.

Honor your Priesthood.

Respect the women in your life and show that you love and appreciate them.

Love your mother.

Own up to your actions.

Trust God.

Bear the Johnson name proudly and don't drag it through the mud.

Family comes first. We show up for each other.

Pray and read the scriptures.

Ailey:

Hard work! His example has shown me over and over again how important hard work is. 

A value I have also learned from Dad is compassion and love. Through his love for Mom and the compassion he has for others it's shown me how I want to be treated when I'm married and how I want to treat others.

Lastly, another value I've learned from Dad is dependability. No matter what I know that I can depend on Dad at all times and that if I ever need anything he will be there.

Bryn:

I've learned to always be a hard worker and to just get things done even when you don't feel like doing it.

Also to never give up. Always persevere. With his diabetes he never complains about how hard or annoying it is to always have to take shots or do the responsibilities for it. He's gone through so many surgeries and rarely ever complains about it.

He always puts a happier outcome on everything and can ALWAYS make someone smile.

(I think we have some pretty great kids who also happen to have an incredible dad!!) 

Happy Father's Day Tyler!! 

You are the BEST!! 

We love you very much!!

 

June: Day 30

 Day 30: What I Know for Sure

God wins. He takes what the enemy meant for evil and He turns it for good. I can trust Him. 

Today is the last day of my little birthday challenge. I thought it would be more fun and light-hearted. That isn't *quite* how it turned out. But I needed the introspection. I needed to dig. I needed to poke and prod those tender wounded places. I needed to learn a few things. I needed to express a few things. I needed to be honest with myself about a few things. So while not exactly the amusing and light-hearted exercise that I expected; I am glad that I did it.

June: Day 29

Day 29: What I am Watching

Oh good! A light hearted question. Why did I think doing this challenge was a good idea? LOL. I don't watch much TV but when I do... I don't want it to be mentally taxing. Ha Ha! 

Here's what I have been watching this month:

1.) Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

 My favorite.

2.) Keeping Up With the Kardashians

A long time old favorite.

3.) This Way Up

This is the most hilarious show! It's on Hulu and I absolutely love it! It is about two extremely funny Irish sisters living in London...one of whom is trying to put her life back together after a nervous breakdown. I was laughing until I was crying!

4.) The Real World Homecoming: New York

When I was in college, The Real World was my favorite show. I absolutely watched this New York Cast reunion and enjoyed it. I hope they do more.

June: Day 28

 Day 28: Something I Don't Share is...

The anger I feel. Especially about the lake situation. Yes, I've started writing about it on the blog as a way of processing my feelings but I don't speak much about it in my personal life. Some of my very close friends are in the know but most people are unaware of the extent and the toll that it has taken. It's a downer topic. It brings up weird feelings in people and I have enough to deal with than trying to figure out (or honestly care) why they are triggered. In a nutshell... I am a private person. I don't like speaking poorly of others. I don't like to be a complainer. The situation is embarrassing. My siblings are embarrassing.

But I am angry. I am angry with would-be friends and family who could believe the worst of me. I thought my integrity and loyalty meant more to them. I am even angrier about those lukewarm family and friends who show secret half-hearted support but never utter a word in my defense or Kirk's. These are people who have known us our entire lives. They know the kind of people that Kirk and I are and have always been. People that we have stood by and supported in the past.

I am angry with my mom. I am angry that she is gone. I am angry that she left us with this mess. Why didn't she get to the hospital quicker? She had blood clots in her lungs before; she had to have recognized the feeling. Why did she waste time calling Jordin of all people?! Why did she waste time driving to the airport when she knew something was wrong? Why didn't she drive straight to the hospital? Why didn't she address her dysfunctional issues with own her siblings and their spouses? Why did their dysfunction have to become MY dysfunction? Why didn't she get involved and put a stop to the petty issues with her own children? Why didn't she have those hard conversations about substance abuse with the children who have substance abuse issues rather than talk and complain ad nauseum about it to her other children? Why did she let things get so out of hand? Why didn't she retire when she said that she was going to? She would have never been on that plane and then Kirk and I wouldn't have to be dealing with her messy relationships and family and financial issues. I'm angry about unfinished conversations.

I am angry with the circumstances that require me to say goodbye to a place that I have loved my entire life. I am angry that people think it is a choice. I am angry that Kirk and I are treated like garbage for doing what needs to be done. I am angry that people are either totally awful to us, silent, or heap their own guilt and sadness on us. Carry your own burdens please.

I am angry that my biggest triggers are not doing the right thing and disloyalty. I am angry that doing the right thing and being loyal are so important to me and don't seem to mean much to others. I do what's right and am loyal to my own detriment. No one is throwing me a ticker tape parade for making the hard but right decisions in life. I am angry that people who should have... haven't shown me an ounce of appreciation for any of the loyalty that I have shown to them over the years. I am angry that I am disappointed by that and I am angry that I even care. I am angry that I am angry.

This isn't an uplifting post but it is a truthful one and it felt good to write.

June: Day 27

 Day 27: Happiness is...

These days it is definitely progress. No matter how small; I celebrate it!

June: Day 26

 Day 26: A Struggle Right Now 

Having any down time. This month has been absolutely exhausting mentally and physically. Tyler and I just keep asking ourselves..."When do we get our lives back?"

June: Day 25

 Day 25: I can't wait until...

We close on the lake house and I can put this all behind me.

June: Day 24

 Day 24: What I am Wearing

The $13 Walmart dress!! All.The.Time. I now have it in 4 colors: black, coral, blue, and yellow. Ailey and Bryn have it in 4 colors: green, black, olive, and slate gray. They share because they wear the same size. I even got a phone call from Reilly two weeks ago when she was at Walmart and who with resignation in her voice said, "What color do I start with?" LOL! This J.Crew dupe dress has come in so handy during this broiling hot summer! I've worn them to church...to weddings...to date nights...to lunches...shopping...and to all kinds of things! It's cute. It's cool. It's cheap. It can be dressed up or down. You just can't beat that!

June: Day 23

 Day 23: Something Said To Me

A couple of years ago I was talking to my friend Naomi's mom. The beloved Mrs. Winkler. This was a woman who taught me piano lessons and let me run through her house at all hours of the day and night. A woman who always threw an extra plate on the table at meal times. A woman who often took me aside and told me that I was sometimes a "little too loud" and who told me (in the kindest way) how I could be a bit "more ladylike". This was a woman who prayed for me and who took an interest in my life (and Tyler's and our children's) all of the rest of the days of her life. Anyway... a couple of years ago I was talking to her and thanking her for the influence that she had been in my life and the kindness that she had always shown to me. She hugged me and said "Kristin, you are easy to love!" 

I cannot tell you the impact that her words had (and continue) to have on me. They may be some of the most powerful words that anyone has ever said to me. I grew up in a home (and family) where I was consistently made to feel like I was hard to love… not by my mom…I always felt deeply loved by her…but by others. It always made me question how "loveable" I actually was. I always felt loved by friends and boys...and obviously Tyler and my own children... but the sibling dysfunction and step-father issues go back so many years and even include extended family. Those unlovable thoughts are embedded deep. Flash forward to today...where every family utterance to me via texts, emails, and social media posts is shouting in all caps about how unlovable and unlikeable I am... I take great solace in the words of a woman who didn't have to love me. Who didn't have to like me. Who didn't have to go out of her way to make me feel like a part of her family and who certainly didn't have to continue to do so until her death which was sadly three days before my own mother died. Thank you Mrs. Winkler. I love you too.

June: Day 22

Day 22: My Body is Telling Me

To exercise and get more sleep! That has been what my body has been telling me since COVID began and my life with it's compounding stress really kicked into high gear. Exercise and sleep are the healthiest ways for me to complete the stress cycle. I HAVE to exercise and I HAVE to make sure that I get enough sleep. These are some of the top priorities that my body continues to tell me...488 days later. Oh it's also telling me to eat healthy, drink more water, be creative, be social, laugh, have more sex, practice gratitude, have good deep conversations, and pray muscularly. I guess I need to be a little better about LISTENING! 

June: Day 21

Day 21: In 10 Years I Hope

That the future is bright! Our family is alive and well! Everyone is healthy and happy! Tyler will be 60. I will be 59. Reilly will be 34. Kameron will be 30. Ailey will be 27. Bryn will be 22. I hope that our kids are all finding or have found wonderful people to share their lives with and to start their families with. I hope that our children have all found (or are starting) interesting and fulfilling careers. I hope that our family continues to be close and loving. I hope that we continue to be supportive of one another. I hope that Tyler and I continue to be close to our children and have rich and loving relationships with them. I hope that we are close with our in-law kids and whatever grandchildren we might have by then! I hope that we all enjoy spending time together and that those interactions are full of love, laughter, adventure, and joy! I hope that Tyler and I are loving being empty nesters! I hope that we are traveling and enjoying our life together! I hope that we have accomplished several of the major goals that we have set as a couple and several of the ones that we have set for our family. I hope that we are all happy, healthy, and thriving!

June: Day 20

 Day 20: #TBT to a Younger Version

In this picture I am seven years old. I am on vacation and actually in Spokane at Riverfront Park which is a place that our kids have grown up going to. I love seeing pictures of myself in some of the favorite places of my own children. 

I have so much love and compassion for this little girl. She is smiling but she is going through so many hard things that no one knows about. She is living through trauma but she is still finding moments of joy. Her smile is genuine. Finding joy is a gift that has served her well throughout her life and perhaps saved her life.

June: Day 19

 Day 19: Best Social Media Follow

Right now my favorite social media follow is @sharonsaysso on Instagram. She is a non-partisan US Government and Law educator. She is America's Government Teacher. Her account is so interesting and FUN! She never reveals her own political affiliation. She presents issues from all sides and regularly has both liberals and conservatives weigh in. Fascinating. I loved my government class in high school and this is a fun and educational follow. It has lead to some great conversations with our children about current events and politics. Plus, she lives in Duluth, Minnesota and I am super interested in all things Minnesota!! I highly recommend! She has a podcast that will be launching in a few weeks too. Plus, she occasionally does clothes box try-ons and it is hilarious! 

June: Day 18

Day 18: Favorite Fictional Character

Finally a fun and light-hearted question! This is an easy one. James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser aka Jamie Fraser from the Outlander book series. This is BOOK Jamie Fraser not TV show Jamie Fraser. Yes, there is a difference. A big difference! 

June: Day 17

 Day 17: What I'm learning

You can step back from toxic family members and be okay. Great even! I know this all sounds like a broken record response for most of these June questions but this is the season of life that I am in. You can... not only LIVE without toxic people... you can THRIVE! Thrive doesn't mean the process is easy or painless but it is freeing. There have been toxic shackles around me for so many years and I am truly happy that they are off. I am finally able to truly focus on my own family. 

Growing up my family was steeped in trauma. Day after day. Year after year. Living with my step-father was hell. Some of us have worked extremely hard through much therapy and personal growth to process and work through our experiences and emotions. Some of us have chosen substance abuse to numb those feelings. Some have chosen denial and some have chosen blame. I no longer allow myself to be affected by those who refuse to face and process what has happened and I refuse to be drawn into their theatrics, dramatics, and grabs for negative attention. 

Year after year of drunken toxic holidays/family gatherings and their after affects have taken a toll on my own family especially my children. The constant walking on eggshells. Witnessing out of control behavior. The constant gaslighting of being told that what they were witnessing wasn't actually what they were witnessing. My children having (and choosing) to leave family events (along with their boyfriends/girlfriends) due to the volatility (and embarrassment). I always felt obligated to be present at family events for my mother who also worried and despaired at how to handle certain siblings substance abuse and out of control behavior. I should've walked away so many years before. For too long I watched siblings self-destruct and blame others for their own choices including choosing to remain a victim while they spewed their anger and blame all over other family members and wreaked havoc. I should have done more to remove my family from that environment years before. It was a regular fight with Tyler who didn't want our children anywhere near any of that and he was right. For too many years I said to him..."You get to decide how we deal with your family and I get to decide how we deal with mine." I was wrong. It makes me sick and sad to think about how wrong I was. We did take some large steps back when Reilly started high school but I really regret not listening to Tyler and stepping back sooner. 

Where we are now is peaceful. Where we are now is healthy. Where we are now is a place of resilience. Where we are now is a place of joy. The extended family that does play a role in our lives only enhances and adds to the beauty and richness of our own family. It doesn't detract from it anymore. I am also free from the responsibility of problems and behaviors that weren't ever mine to carry. That is worth it's weight in gold. 

June: Day 16

 Day 16: Song lyrics

I have a couple song lyrics that always seem to be on repeat in my head these days. Again... unlikely sources... but they rattle around in my head day-after-day.

Ben Rector: Peace

So I found peace with who I am now
It's the only me I'll ever be, I've found
There are other places, there are a million other faces
I found peace with who I am now

Elevation Worship: See a Victory

You take what the enemy meant for evil
And You turn it for good

June: Day 15

Day 15: This is how I reset

I have several ways that I reset i.e restore serenity and keep myself emotionally grounded. The most common way is that I go to water. This is obviously a picture off of the dock at the lake but it doesn't need to be "our" lake. Water is my go-to reset. It can be a river, lake, water fall, creek, pond, or ocean. Each time it does the trick. Even in winter I frequently drive to "look at open water". It's got some magical reset properties for me especially if I can get in the water. Even if it is just a toe in the water or a hand swishing the water. But actually jumping in and swimming is the holy grail of reset!

Other ways I reset include: walks with Tyler (also a huge one...even better if we walk next to water), being outside in nature, exercising, sleep, and occasionally music. I've gotten pretty good at identifying when I need a reset and making it happen. Without it I don't think I would've have survived the last couple of years. 

June: Day 14

Day 14: Who are my people?

Well... I would say that group is smaller than who I thought it was a few years ago. My eyes are WIDE OPEN and I am now able to see the people in my life for who they actually are. I am grateful for the discernment. While initially quite painful... I have grown over time to see it as a gift. It has become CRYSTAL clear. I know those who are truly in my corner. I know those who are fair-weather and lip service friends and family. I sadly know those who are enemies and those who actually don't care enough to be any of the above. It's been painful and freeing. Goodbye to obligations of the past, present, or bloodline. Hello to true friends and family who stand by your side and lift and strengthen you! I am so grateful for them. There is no denying who they are. Hello to community and those who encircle and envelope my family and myself in love. They are the keepers. Family is who you make it. I am grateful for mine!

June: Day 13

 Day 13: I am proud of myself for...

Getting through this last year of family betrayal and drama (seems like too understated a word) with my integrity, dignity, character, self-respect, and sanity intact. It's been no easy feat! It's actually been one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. The high road isn't an easy road. I have been attacked on every level personally and publicly. My name, character, and reputation has been dragged through the mud over and over and over again. I have been called every kind of vicious, vile, and hateful name possible both personally and publicly. I have been vilified and attacked along with my husband, kids, brother, and sister-in-law. We've been lied about and treated like crap by people who I thought were friends and supportive family. Still...I have kept true to myself and my integrity and values. I can look myself in the mirror every day and like who I see. And one day I will be able to look my mother in the eye and have nothing to regret or be ashamed of. I am at peace with me.