One More Hug

As I said in a previous post, we flew to Utah on a Thursday evening, on the day that I had brunch with my Aunt Bonnie. When the girls got home from school, we jumped in the car, and headed to the airport. Reilly couldn't get off of work and didn't get to come with us which was extremely sad. She and Hunter kept an eye on the house and on Miss Beverly for us.

By the time we got to SLC, got our rental car, and drove to Provo it was around 9:30 pm. We were starving so we stopped for dinner at Culvers (our kids favorite...and a Minnesota favorite) for food and frozen custard. Then we checked into our hotel. Tyler had booked us a nice hotel in downtown Provo. We were exhausted. Judie wanted us to meet them tomorrow in Provo at Joel's appointment with his oncologist. Joel had been released from the hospital the day before and was at home in Moroni.

The next morning we got up and headed over to Tyler's brother Brett's house. We had brunch with Brett, Marissa, Liv, and Lori and got the scoop on things from Lori before we went to Joel's doctor appointment that afternoon. Lori flew back to DC the next day so it was good that we had a little overlap time to see her.

It was great to be with Lori, Brett, Marissa, and our niece Liv. They caught us up to speed on all that had been going on. My mother-in-law has been very dependent on Joel and hasn't even been driving herself because she has cataracts and had put off surgery. Joel's son, Ben, was in town now along with Joel's youngest daughter, Holly, and they relieved Lori who had said her very difficult goodbyes and was staying in SLC with Brett and Marissa until her flight left the next day. She had used up all of her PTO.

Joel came into Tyler and his siblings lives about a year and a half after Tyler's parents divorced. Their parents divorced while Tyler was on his mission. Tyler's mom moved from Orem to Sanpete County and started working at Snow College. She met Joel, who was also divorced, and living in Moroni. They got married a year before I met Tyler. So Joel was always in the picture when I came on the scene. Tyler's dad never remarried and continued living in Orem. Tyler was living with him when I met Tyler. His dad, sadly, passed away about three months after we started dating. All that is to say that Joel has been in the family for a long time and is well loved. He has been a kind and loving friend to his step-children, a father-in-law to their spouses, and a true grandpa to their children.

The originals: Tyler, Lori, and Brett

Cousins: The girls with our niece Liv

While sad it was still fun to be together, to laugh, and to reminisce. Something momentous occurred while we were all together. Bryn got her period. (I have permission to share.) I got a text telling me to come to the bathroom "RIGHT NOW!!!" LOL. All was well and Bryn was congratulated on entering womanhood! Ha Ha!

Later that afternoon it was time to head back to Utah county to meet Judie and Joel. We had an hour to kill so we took Bryn to celebrate as is tradition with the Johnson girls. She wanted to go to Kneaders.

Joel's son Ben and his wife Sarah drove Judie and Joel up to Provo. Judie and Joel wanted Ben and Tyler to be with them when they got the definitive results of the latest biopsy and the stage of the cancer. Joel looked terrible. He was in a wheel chair and had an oxygen tank. His skin was gray. It was almost impossible to believe that this was the same man cruising Lake Coeur d' Alene with us and playing the electric cigar box guitar only three months before. 

Sarah, Ailey, Bryn, and I waited while the four of them went in. Tyler said that it was one of the hardest things he's ever been present for...to be there when someone is told there is no hope...nothing can be done...it's stage 4C (the worst of the worst)...and that Joel had days left... maybe a week to two weeks at most. 

Tyler said that the oncologist was extremely kind and gentle. They were all in tears. Joel was a stalwart. He wanted the facts and he took them bravely. The doctor told them that Joel had the most aggressive form of thyroid cancer. One small nodule and you are immediately classified as stage four. They could put Joel through chemo and radiation but it wasn't likely to do anything but make Joel feel worse than he already did. They could try a DNA match medication that targets this particular cancer but it was unlikely to work and it would take 2-3 weeks to have ready. The doctor quietly told Joel that at the rate the cancer was growing and spreading he didn't think it would be ready in time to do any good. Joel told him to go ahead and give the orders for the medication just in case. The doctor asked Joel what he wanted to do about chemo and radiation. Joel said, "If it isn't going to heal me or make me feel better than I do now... I don't want it." The doctor said that if it was him he would make the same choice...to go home and enjoy what time he had left. The doctor was LDS and knew that Judie and Joel were too. He told them that this is the same cancer that Elder L. Tom Perry had. They found Elder Perry's cancer earlier and did chemo/radiation and he only lived six weeks. This is a really awful cancer.

We met up with them when they came out of the doctor's office. All were in tears. We looked at Judie and she said, "It's not good news." We all cried together under the covered drive while Ben brought the car around. The girls gave Grandpa hugs and told him how much they loved him. We all did. As Tyler was helping Joel into the car he told Tyler just how tired he was feeling. Absolutely exhausted. We made plans to come down to Moroni the next day. We knew they needed time to be alone and to try to process everything. I was so glad that Ben and Tyler were there to support to them. 

After Joel's doctor appointment we were in a stunned and sadden state. We didn't know what to do or where to go. We ended up driving over to the Provo Temple. We got out and walked around the grounds just as the golden hour hit. Beautiful. It was the perfect place to feel peace.

As we were walking around the grounds and marveling at how stunning Timpanogos and Rock Canyon are; we saw two deer walking around on the temple grounds too. Somehow that felt significant. We have often associated Joel with deer and for whatever reason this felt like a sign of peace and comfort.

We said a prayer and left feeling a little lighter.

We went out to dinner at Los Hermanos. More for nostalgia's sake than for the food. We went to the one that is now in the University Mall. I miss the one that was downtown on Center Street. We introduced the girls to the Brisa drink: blackberries, strawberries, and ice cream blended together and to the Diablo Verde: a kiwi, lime, banana, and pineapple drink. One thing that I love about Utah is all of the specialty non-alcoholic drinks. 

After dinner we headed back to our hotel and as the night was warm we wandered around a bit downtown. It's changed a lot since our college days but so much of it is still familiar. I love the addition of the Provo City Center Temple. We fell into bed that night emotionally and physically drained.

The next morning we were up early. Tyler and the girls did a quick Target run and got us boba drinks for the ride down to Moroni. Most of Joel's kids were there when we arrived. It was so good to see them. We are the closest to the three youngest kids: Forrest, Gregg, and Holly. They lived with Judie and Joel after they got married. Forrest is my brother Kirk's age and Holly is my sister Jordin's age with Gregg in the middle. Forrest was 10 when I first met him, Gregg was 8, and Holly was 6. We attended all of their special events when they were young: baptisms, concerts, dance recitals, eagle scout banquets, and graduations. Forrest has come to visit us a couple of times since we moved to WA and we've gone on a camping trip together along with Judie and Joel. But it's been a few years since we have seen Gregg and Holly and the older Erickson kids. Forrest and his family live in WA too but on the west side.

Judie and Joel's house.

Shortly after we arrived at the house the hospice nurse showed up. Most all of us were present to hear about hospice and how it works. It was sobering. Joel had to fill out all kinds of paper work as he (and we) tried to absorb that this was really happening. The nurse was very kind and loving but terms like "after you are gone..." and "in the time that you have left..." were hard to take and there were a lot of tears. It just didn't seem real. It was strange to hear that he didn't need to take all of his previous medications anymore. No more vitamins, no blood pressure meds, blood thinners, or heart meds. He could just...stop. Joel has suffered from A-Fib for the last ten years. While in the hospital the week before he had to have another electrical cardioversion to restore a regular heart rhythm. There would be no more of that either.

The hospice nurse asked what he liked to drink and he said diet coke. Judie said, "You know you aren't supposed to have caffeine with your heart issues." The nurse quietly told her that wasn't an issue any more and if he wanted a diet coke he could have it. He could have anything that sounded good to eat or drink. Unfortunately there wasn't much that he could swallow. His throat was so closed off that it was making breathing difficult much less swallowing. He could also barely talk above a hoarse whisper and suffered bout after bout of wracking coughing fits that were hard to witness. The nurse talked to the family about what we could expect in the coming days and had more detailed instructions for those who would be caregivers. It was HARD. She was there for about two hours. Joel was thrilled when she finally left. He said, "I thought she was NEVER going to leave!"

Joel had been subsisting on broth, water, a little yogurt, and popsicles. So as soon as he got the go ahead to drink whatever he wanted Tyler and I ran to the little drive in hamburger place in Moroni and got him a giant diet coke and a vanilla milkshake that he thought sounded good. He polished off a good bit of the milkshake and drank that giant diet coke for two days. The hospice nurse said that coke (and only coke for whatever reason) seems to help lessen coughing.

We were there all day and we could see how tired and run down Joel was and Judie too. We all left in the evening to give them some time alone. Forrest and Holly were planning to stay for the next two weeks. But even they left to be with their families at the hotel for a few hours. I sat talking to Joel before I left about how he was holding up and dealing with things and he kept saying, "It's just all happened so fast." It truly was bewildering. I know that Judie was struggling with the reality of it. It was so hard for them because they were so happy that everyone was there and they were trying to enjoy being with everyone while this giant wrecking ball was hanging over their heads. 

Joel wanted to have "church" at his home the next day and partake of the sacrament. Forrest and Tyler are the only children still active in the church and they were on top of it. Tyler called their bishop and got everything arranged. Forrest was dealing with the ward and how they could help support Judie and Joel. They got everything planned and arranged. Then we hugged them goodbye and drove back to Provo. 

We were hungry so we stopped in Springville to eat at our old favorite restaurant, La Casita. We have wanted to eat there every time we are in Utah but just never seem to find our way to Springville. This was a regular family favorite when I was in 3rd-5th grade and we lived in Springville. Our family picture is even somewhere on the wall (or it used to be) in the hundreds of old polaroid pictures that they have covering the walls. The place was packed but we got right in and it was just a good as I remembered! After that it was back to our hotel where we collapsed and watched Ghostbusters.

The next morning we got up, put on our church clothes, and drove back down to Moroni. Forrest, his wife Hanna, and their kids: Ella, Zeanna, and Hazel met us there. We love them!!

Ailey, Ella, Hazel, Bryn, and Zeeanna.

We all headed into the living room and had our family church service. It was an incredibly special experience. We prayed and sang hymns. Judie played the piano and Ailey led the music. Tyler and Forrest prepared, blessed, and passed the Sacrament. Joel had made these cool wooden sacrament trays that he and Judie used when church was closed and home church was happening. Forrest's daughters sang the song, "My Own Sacred Grove." Then both Judie and Joel asked Tyler and Forrest to give them both priesthood blessings. That was a very spiritual experience. After that Judie asked Joel what song he would like for the closing song. He chose God Be With You Till We Meet Again. There were no dry eyes. As I looked at my father-in-law who was struggling to simply breathe and who could barely speak; I saw him look up the hymn and sing it in a raspy voice that was barely a whisper. I thought what a tremendous example of humility, bravery, and faith he is to all of us. I was so profoundly grateful for him and his example not only in my life but in the lives of all of us. I looked around at this simple living room that was full of love and knew that it was holy ground. I felt the Spirit of the Lord so strongly and we all shared a deep sense of peace.

As I looked at Tyler and Forrest, I saw them as the boys they were and the honorable men they have become...loving husbands and devoted fathers. Men who walk the talk. Tyler and Forrest are so similar that you would think that they were true brothers. They have very similar personalities, senses of humor, likes, and interests. They are both even in the same career field. They are more alike than Tyler and his own brother. Both Tyler and Forrest are somewhat outliers in their own families. Different from the rest. I think they were always meant to be brothers. All of our kids kept telling them how much they are alike. They both enjoyed the comparison. I am grateful that they had each other especially during this incredibly difficult time. I loved watching these two amazing men kneel in prayer, administer the sacrament, and honorably use the priesthood to bless and comfort their families. It brought tears to my eyes. 

Joel could have done anything he wanted on our last day together but what he wanted to do was take the sacrament and have a church service with his grandchildren. He wanted them to know what he believed and what he considered to be the most important thing in life. He showed them what true faith looked like. He wanted to share his love of the Savior with his grandchildren and family on the last day that we would have as a family in this life. The memory of that day...that home church service...and Joel... will be a touchstone in our lives. Of all the things that he could do or say...this is what mattered to him and what he wanted to leave with his family. 

Joel also really wanted to have a Sunday family dinner. He was always the host of our family gatherings. He cooked and loved to feed everyone. He hated not being able to do that. It was literally stressing him out worrying about his grandkids being hungry the day before. Food was the last thing on all of our minds yesterday. But on Sunday it was extremely important to him that we have this dinner. Important enough that Forrest was asked to go to the store and get the fixings for a spaghetti dinner the night before. I was asked to prepare it. I consider that quite a compliment. Joel has always been my number one fan in the cooking department. Judie has always had so many dietary issues that their meals have become pretty plain unless family is visiting. So he always enjoys meals at our house. He will have seconds and thirds. He compliments me up a storm. He is the sweetest! So after our church service Ailey and Bryn and I got busy cooking in the kitchen. Actually everyone helped. Forrest was cutting carrots from their garden and Hanna and her girls were bustling around helping. 

Tyler was in the living room with Judie and Joel because Kameron's Mission President gave Kam special permission to video chat with his grandparents and so he was helping with that. It was fun to have a Sunday dinner with everyone and even Joel who had been on basically a liquid diet wanted to eat some spaghetti and garlic bread. I love that he was still trying to show love for my cooking even on our last day together when I know how difficult it was for him to swallow anything. He ate as much as he could (which wasn't much) but he had a smile on his face to eat some "real food."

Video Chatting with Kam

I loved that Kameron was able to talk to his Grandpa, tell him about the latest happenings on his mission and the little branch where he is serving. Joel lit up and told Kam about his experiences with a branch and serving in the church. It was the most energized that we saw Joel that visit. They were able to have a good conversation (God bless technology!) and it was so nice for Kam to be able to talk to him and tell him that he loved him and to hear his grandpa say he loved him too and was proud of him. All.the.tears.

We stayed all day and the kids played in the yard. Hanna and I took pictures of the house and outbuildings and talked quietly about the family. She is awesome and I love her.

Joel built this cute "She Shed" for Judie.

Joel's shop.

The old original pioneer cabin that is on the property.

The beautiful ceiling that Joel made inside the house.

The lovely fireplace and mantle that he built.

Forrest and Tyler stayed inside with Judie and Joel. Joel discussed with them how he wanted things handled after he was gone. He told them what he wanted Judie to do with the house, cars, truck, and trailer etc. Forrest and Tyler assured him that whatever he wanted done would be done. Joel also started giving things away. He gave Tyler one of the electric cigar box guitars that he made. These are precious to the entire family and he only had four. The fact that he wanted our family to have one of them makes me cry. We had so much fun with Joel in July when he was teaching us to play it. He also wanted me to pick out a stein from his collection.

Grandpa signing his guitar.

We took family pictures. Joel didn't love having his picture taken but he still did it. It is so hard to believe the drastic change in his appearance in less than three months.

When my mom died so suddenly, our kids talked a lot about wishing they could have given her one more hug or said one more "I love you" and it's true we all wish that but we also talked about how there could never be enough hugs or enough I love you's. There aren't and there never could be. Even when death is expected there can never be enough.

All day we hugged Joel and told him over and over how much we loved him and how much he means to us and he told us over and over how much he loved us. But when the time came for us to actually physically leave it was almost impossible and unbearably painful. The girls kept running over to him "One more hug" and then we'd be almost to the door and back they went saying, "Just one more hug Grandpa." Back I would go too saying, "We love you so much!! We are so grateful for you!! You are the best! The best grandpa, the best father-in-law" and "I love you, we love you, we love you so much!" There are never enough hugs or I love you's or words to tell someone how much they mean to you for the last time. My family always tears up with goodbyes but this time we sobbed as we drove away. We wept as we drove back to Provo. Our hearts were absolutely aching. 

Kirk called us on our drive back to Provo and told us to come to his house ASAP. So we did. It was a much needed balm. Kirk and Meki know grief and they know how to sit with you in it. If there's anything we've all learned over the last two years it's how to sit with people in grief. They let us talk and cry. They fed us late night Chinese take out. They made us smile and laugh and feel better. My brother is hilarious and Uncle Kirky did a great job of cheering up his nieces.

Kirin wanted to be twins with Bryn so he ran to put on a shirt like hers over his Spiderman costume!

I am so grateful for Kirk and Meki, Forrest and Hanna, Brett and Marissa, and Lori. I am grateful for family and siblings who stand side by side and arm in arm with you in the trenches. They are gifts.

The next morning we checked out of our hotel and drove up Provo Canyon to Heber (which is unrecognizable) and onto Kamas and Oakley. We stopped for donuts at the Kamas Mirror Lake Chevron whose homemade donuts are truly the best donuts that I have ever had. We drove past my mom's old house in Oakley and showed the kids where Uncle Kirk went to high school and where Tyler and I went on our first date. Then we drove down Parley's Canyon and back into SLC. The girls wanted to stop and do a little shopping before our flight home. We grabbed lunch and then it was onto the airport.

The weather was rainy and windy in SLC. We had the worst turbulence that I have ever experienced in my life on the flight home. I am not a nervous flier and I was nervous. The girls did okay because they were looking at their dad who was laughing and saying, "This is awesome!" He is crazy. It was not awesome and I was glad when we finally landed safely in Spokane!

This trip was extremely emotional and difficult but it was one that we will never regret making. Having that time with Joel was a gift. A precious gift.

October 2021

I guess October was two steps forward and one giant step (or more) back. No rest for the weary I guess. At the end of last month we found out that my father-in-law, Joel, had COVID from which he recovered and we also found out that he had thyroid cancer of which he sadly passed away from a few days ago. It's another big loss for my children and our family. He is the only grandpa that they have known...up until last year when they finally met my father.

Love him!

It's so sad because thyroid cancer is usually very treatable. Unfortunately Joel had an extremely aggressive type. It was growing and spreading at the rate of 20% per week. My sister-in-law, Lori, flew to Utah and helped my in-laws for two weeks in October. Joel was in and out of the hospital with all kinds of problems. One was that, in addition to everything else, he had a large blood clot in his neck. The tumors on his thyroid were so large that it was also making breathing and swallowing difficult. Joel was miserable. Then the doctors found tumors on the other side of his neck and then tumors in both of his lungs. Lori called us to say that if we wanted to see Joel we needed to come quick as it looked like hospice was going to be the next step. This was absolutely shocking. We bought tickets and flew to Utah that week and I am so glad that we did. We were able to be with Joel and hug him and tell him we love him. He passed away three days after we returned home. That trip will be its own post.

October started out on a much happier note. We celebrated the first day of October by decorating for Halloween and having a family dinner out on the deck with Reilly, Hunter, and Emerson. We bought an outdoor heater and it has been awesome! We loved extending our deck time on into the fall!

Reilly requested that I make chicken salad and vegetarian chicken salad on croissants so we had that and pumpkin pie. LOL. I love it when our kids come home and request their favorite meals! I am always happy to oblige. 

This little guy was a fan and loved all of our Halloween decorations! Especially the giant ghost and pumpkin blow molds. It was so fun to see him running around and excited by everything!

Ailey and Bryn got to practice their future auntie skills on Emmy.

 I am so grateful for this little guy who is getting us excited to be grandparents some day!

That weekend was also General Conference. We were really looking forward to it. We have made it into our own little twice-a-year holiday with traditions and special foods. Even Kameron was buying special snacks in Minnesota and was excited to tell us that Johnson family food traditions were represented in Minnesota too! Ha ha! The Saturday AM session featured pumpkin donuts and sausage and the PM session was homemade Chex mix, candy corn rice krispie treats, and other favorite snacks. Sunday morning Ailey made us her famous eggs benedict! Also featured were hot gingerbread and my mom's apricot and almond brie amongst other delicacies. It was quite the decadent weekend. Conference was amazing and uplifting! It was just what we needed! 

In between sessions we did all kinds of yard work and projects that had been neglected like washing down our siding, painting our foundation, blowing out our sprinkler system, deep cleaning the boat for winter, cleaning and organizing the garage, washing and vacuuming all of the cars. It's amazing what a bunch of people can do in between sessions! We kicked butt!

Unfortunately that Sunday night Tyler started to feel like he was coming down with a cold and by Monday he was feeling pretty crappy. The next day the girls had their well check visits with their pediatrician. They each got three shots so a stop at a new-to-us ice cream shop, Pete Belles, was required. The pediatrician called in orders to have an EKG done on Bryn (just like Kam and Ailey had) at my request. Bryn didn't have anything going on nor did the pediatrician suspect that anything was problematic. It's just that after Kameron's flukey EKG and heart issues it just seems better to be proactive.

On Tuesday Tyler was feeling worse and everyone was telling us that he should get a COVID test just to be on the safe side; even though he only had head cold symptoms. He did and it was positive. That was a blow. After all that we had done to keep him from getting COVID. Serious quarantine for 400 days...vaccines as soon as possible...vigilant mask wearing, handwashing, and lysoling literally everything. We have limited so many things that we do or want to do and he STILL got it. It was scary and he had to quarantine from us immediately. My doctor and the girls pediatrician said that we didn't need to quarantine if we were vaccinated and didn't have any symptoms but to always wear a mask around other people. Ailey wasn't able to go to work for two weeks and needed proof of a negative COVID test before she could return. It's understandable as she works at an assisted living facility. Her boss was pretty nasty though and it's not like Ailey could help it. The good news was that Ailey hadn't been into work for several days prior to Tyler coming down with his cold-like symptoms. She is fully vaccinated and has to wear a mask and gloves at work all the time anyway. The girls and I were told to get tested after a week if we didn't have any symptoms but to get tested ASAP if we did have symptoms. 

The day that Tyler got tested for COVID our bathroom fan caught on fire. Tyler was literally pulling into the driveway after being tested when I started smelling an electrical burn smell. Luckily he was able to rip out the fan and replace it that same day. Good grief. So while feeling crappy he was crawling around up in the attic fixing that stupid thing. And... I got a flat tire which he also repaired. Cool. Awesome.

During this same time Bryn had her second XC meet and Ailey and I were there to cheer her on. She did great! She came in 11th and had a PR. She shaved 8 seconds off of her time!

Ailey's high school had their college fair and Ailey got all of the information to apply to BYU-Idaho for she and Kameron. She's been busy working on her college applications, essays, and getting her teacher recommendations. Kameron should have done all of this BEFORE he left on his mission. Annoying. Now he needs to get working on his college application process while ON the mission which is proving to be much more difficult!

The day that Tyler got his positive COVID results, Joel was rushed to the ER in Nephi, and was having difficulty breathing. They transferred him within an hour to SLC to be seen by specialists. Joel was in the hospital there for several days. They had to biopsy more tumors and this was when he had the large blood clot in his neck. This is also when Lori flew to town from Washington DC. Judie needed help and Tyler had COVID and his brother Brett (and family) were in Europe. Thank goodness for Lori!!

Tyler has a new primary care doctor and he is garbage. Tyler called to tell him that he had COVID and the doctor didn't call back for two days and then he just said to follow the regular CDC protocol. Meanwhile my doctor and even our pediatrician were talking to us the day that Tyler got his results and even checked in again with all of us and were super helpful. Tyler ended up calling our friend Josh who is a physician and made an appointment with him. Josh got him right in and immediately sent in a referral for Tyler to get a monoclonal antibodies infusion. Tyler is exactly the person who qualifies for this treatment: 50, heart issues, diabetic. Tyler had already had the infusion when he got the word that his primary care doctor had actually denied him for the infusion. He thought Tyler should just try to ride it out. Can you even believe that? Josh was incredulous. If Tyler doesn't qualify....who does?! Tyler will never go back to that primary care doctor. Thanks to Josh, Tyler was able to go in the next day and got a big antibodies boost. But as things always seem to go with us...it wasn't without incident.

The morning of the treatment Tyler had to go by himself and drive to a specific floor in the hospital parking garage and text that he was there. Then he was picked up in a wheelchair and taken in a specific elevator to the treatment area. I'm sure this was to keep people with COVID from roaming around the hospital infecting people. Then they started his IV treatment...as that happened... Tyler totally passed out and caused a bit of a ruckus. He isn't someone who passes out so that was weird. He thinks it was from the sight of blood but he has seen a lot of blood and has never had that reaction before. I guess when the nurse was putting in his IV...blood started shooting out of his arm. He is on blood thinners and told the nurse that but she must have just hit the wrong spot because Tyler said that there was A LOT of blood. Still. He has never fainted from the sight of blood before so the whole thing was weird. After the infusion was done Tyler had to remain there under observation for an hour and then they wheeled him back to his car and he drove home. We both think that the infusion was a game changer and so helpful in his recovery. I am extremely grateful that he was able to get it done! The above picture is the one he texted to me to say that the infusion was started and I texted him saying that he looked awful. Then he told me that he had just passed out! Sheesh!

Bryn had another XC meet and she did FANTASTIC! She accomplished her goal of making the top 10. She came in 9th and she PRed again! Super exciting! Ailey and I were there to cheer her on and Tyler was following along via the phone.

The kids had a Friday off of school this month. Ailey was busy all day with dance team stuff so Bryn and I hung out. We walked Beverly at the park, got Starbucks, and went thrifting. Bryn was looking for old flannel shirts and "grandpa" sweaters. Okay... She didn't find what she was looking for and wanted to go to Ross. Our kids have a weird love of Ross. I don't share it so I'm not exactly sure where this love comes from but all four of them enjoy roaming around at Ross. While there Bryn found an argyll sweater vest that she really wanted. I had to laugh. Hello to my own 7th grade style! Brynnie was thrilled!

That night Bryn and I met Reilly for a girls night. We got dinner at Ding How in Liberty Lake and then went to watch Ailey dance at the homecoming game. Ailey did an incredible job!! We had fun cheering for her!

After the game Bryn, Reilly, and I went out for ice cream at Annie's Ice Cream which is owned by a friend of Tyler's. Then we checked out all of the Halloween décor in the neighborhood and drove over to Reilly's. It was a fun night and it took my mind off of worrying about Tyler.

The stress started to really get to me the next day. It took awhile for those antibodies to kick in and for Tyler to start feeling better. We continued to worry about Joel who was in and out of the hospital. Blood clot in his neck...more tumors found in his throat...and in his lungs...waiting for biopsies. Lori did so much of the heavy lifting with Judie and Joel and we are so grateful. We couldn't come down and Brett was still in Europe. It was good to have Lori there to keep us up-to-date on what was happening. None of it was good. There were so many things that needed to be done around our house too and errands that needed to be run. Tyler was going crazy being in quarantine. All of Ailey's Homecoming plans were nixed due to COVID at our house. Her doctor said that she could perform at the game...outside venue and all...unless she had any symptoms. She was supposed to be wearing a mask when she was not performing but all other homecoming plans and festivities had to be cancelled. For a kid who has already missed out on so much this was another blow...especially her senior year. :( Tyler and I felt so bad for her but she was a trooper. Bryn had a fun trip to Montana planned with the YW that she had to miss out on. That was a bummer too.

Me...on the other hand... I was NOT a trooper and by this point I had reached my breaking point. I had to go on a lot of very long walks by myself while I listened to my audiobook to try to calm down and work out the stress. Good thing my book was fantastic. I was listening to Practical Magic as I roamed the beautiful streets strewn with fall colors.

I did this day after day to try to reset my equilibrium and to get those endorphins kicking in and calming me down. Tyler's COVID and quarantine was taking a toll on all of us. We tried to make the best of it. Tyler would facetime us at dinner as he didn't want to be left out of the dinner conversation. We made a lot of comfort food (Tyler never lost his sense of taste or smell.) I made my grandma's chicken noodles, my mom's Mexican casserole, and Tyler's mom's sour cream enchiladas. Bryn made banana muffins. Ailey made homemade bread. We ordered Thai food. We made snickerdoodle cookies. We had a movie watch party with Tyler in one room and the rest of us in another simultaneously watching Cruella (We loved it!) while eating our favorite buttered popcorn mixed with skittles. Ever tried that? It's fabulous! We took Beverly on a bunch of walks. We all read a lot. I finished three books in one weekend. We ordered two different book series that Ailey and Bryn wanted from Amazon. We went to bed early almost every night. You do what you've got to do. Survival mode...once again.

The day that Tyler really started feeling better was the day that the girls and I were supposed to get tested for COVID just to make sure we hadn't gotten it. Of course that day I woke up feeling like I had a scratchy throat and a runny nose. Swell. Kirk was having to talk me off a ledge daily. LOL. He told me that my symptoms were psychosomatic! I went in early for my test and then picked up the girls that afternoon for their COVID tests. 24 hours later we all got our results...NEGATIVE!! Hallelujah!! Kirk was right! Ha Ha! We treated ourselves to ice cream once again because why the hell not. We have been going through A LOT! 

It was particularly tough for Kam being so far away when so much was going on with Tyler and his Grandpa Joel. Monday nights Kam wanted updates on everything and everyone. It was so nice when Tyler finally felt well enough to participate in our video chats. I know that Kam was very relieved to see him on the mend. We all were!

Kam is doing okay. His newbie companion continues to struggle. He's extremely homesick. He was not prepared to leave his home and family. He knows absolutely nothing about how to take care of himself much less how to do mission stuff. Kam spends most of his time teaching him life skills. Whenever they can join up with their district Kameron is thrilled. Being in this small town with just the two of them is suffocating for Kameron. They are teaching a lot of people though and seriously teaching them which is crazy for this little tiny town and branch. It's good that they are staying busy!

We made plans with Kirk for our families to rent an Airbnb together in Sandpoint for the dedication of the clinic that will be named after my mom. It is actually supposed to happen on her birthday. Very cool! It will be really fun to have our families together for 5 days in December!! We can have an early Christmas celebration together. I can't wait!

Cold weather kicked in this month. We had several hard frosts that finished off my zinnias, tomatoes, and hanging basket. Everything else has hung in there though. It makes me sad when all of my flowers start dying. Then it full on snowed on October 13th. NO! Thank goodness it didn't stick and turned to rain. Ailey had her first run in with stinging nettle in her outdoor living class. LOL. That was a regular event for me as a kid clomping around in Utah. We don't have as much of it here.

Lori continued to be a champ! Going to all of the doctor appointments and being at the hospital. She drove my mother-in-law to SLC from Moroni every day. It's a good 2 hour drive both ways. Brett and Marissa came home from Europe so that was a relief too as Joel continued to worsen daily.

Ailey finally took the SAT. She was nervous; as were all of her teachers. These kids were not prepared for it. She took her PSAT her freshman year and that is it. Her teachers were telling the students that they hope colleges will be lenient because there is a lot of information on the SAT that the kids haven't even learned yet thanks to COVID. They were preparing the kids that their scores will most likely be lower than they expect and not to freak out.

Bryn qualified and ran in the All-City Finals! Reilly, Hunter, Ailey and I all attended and parked our selves strategically around the course to cheer her on and to *motivate* her. Everyone had two locations to be in! LOL! It worked. Brynnie kicked butt!

Check her out passing people!! 

Heading to the finish line!

She made the Top Ten again! In the FINALS!! She came in 9th and had a giant PR! Her coach was yelling and screaming. He was so proud of her! He sent her the neatest email afterwards.

He said: 

Thanks for a great year Bryn! You make running fun. You have been such a great team mate and have made so much improvement as a runner. Thank you for deciding to be part of the team. Congratulations! You finished 9th at All-City and improved your time by 39 seconds. Wow! You made one of the best improvements on the team. 

Bryn set a goal at the start of the season that she wanted to make the top ten and she ended up doing it multiple times and had an outstanding PR. We are so proud of how hard she worked this season. It has been challenging being on her middle school team and having a coach that expected a lot from her! She did an amazing job!

Reilly, Hunter, Ailey, Bryn, and I all celebrated her victory at Starbucks (Bryn's choice) and had a Starbucks *dinner*! Can you cobble together a celebratory meal at Starbucks? Yes, you absolutely can. Tyler hated missing out on seeing Bryn run at All-City and on our celebration. Poor guy!

By Day 14 of Tyler's COVID he started feeling back to normal which was great since he could finally emerge from quarantine. On his first day out he changed the tires on two cars, went on a big walk with me, and went to the high school football game to watch Ailey perform. To say that we were all so happy to see him back to normal was the understatement of the year!

Ailey doing her team captain thing prior to performing!

Life went back to normal a bit. We were thrilled for ordinary days. Tyler returned to church and his usual duties. He worked all through his COVID stint except for the first day or so. I guess that is a perk of still working from home. There is still talk of a hybrid schedule for him sometime after the holidays. (Fingers crossed.) I planted a bunch of bulbs...tulips, daffodils, and hyacinths. The girls and I went to the high school craft show and had another girls day. We also got the boat winterized and stored. 

We attended Ailey's Fall Choir concert and she did an outstanding job!

Meanwhile Joel continued to get worse and worse. Lori confirmed that Joel's cancer had metastasized and it was looking like it was untreatable. Hospice was discussed. We made plans to fly to Utah immediately. The kids made videos for their grandpa in case we didn't get there in time. Kam made the world's sweetest video that had us all bawling our eyes out. I know those videos meant so much to Joel.

The day that we flew to Utah I was able to squeeze in brunch at Chaps with my Aunt Bonnie who was in town visiting my cousins. It was so good to see her and I am so glad that we were able to get together! It meant a lot to me especially with family relations so strained and damaged. It felt really good to laugh and talk to her and feel loved and cared about. I appreciate her taking the time to get together with me. It did my heart a world of good! She is a lot of fun!

We flew to Utah late that afternoon and that is a whole blog post of its own. I am so glad that we went and it is a time that we will all treasure.

After we got back from our first trip to Utah life continued full speed ahead. Lori flew back to DC but my brother-in-law and sister-in-law... Forrest and Holly...two of Joel's children...were staying and helping Judie and Joel. Forrest did an awesome job of keeping all of us (there are 11 children between them) posted on what was happening each day. That giant text thread was a blessing and a lifeline.

Tyler actually got to go into the office for a big meeting! He was thrilled and stayed all day! LOL. Ailey was finally able to return to work and has been busy with friends and activities. Bryn started volleyball. This is her first time ever playing. She tried out with 60 girls and made the varsity team! She was super excited about that! Ailey's ProStart class had their annual Halloween cupcake wars and Ailey's were AWESOME! She won last year and came in second this year. 

My favorite was the bloody shards of glass cupcake!

Bryn attended a YW murder mystery party and had a blast!

Reilly scared the heck out of me by FaceTiming me and yelling "MOM!! MOM!!" When I answered. She looked like this:

This was her trial run for the make-up that she was going to do for a Halloween party that she and Hunter were going to attend. Good grief! It was disgusting and realistic. Don't shock your mother like that!! LOL.

and... she was going to add in these freaky all black contacts.

The contacts are freaky enough...no need for the gory make up!! Yikes. Although I thought she really did a great job with the make-up. This was her first time ever doing anything like that!

Bryn decided that she and a couple of her friends were going to do a group costume for Halloween. Several of them were going to be convicts and a couple of them were going to be cops. We found her an inmate costume and she was thrilled. I miss my little ballerinas and fairies!! Ha ha!

I was able to attend book club this month. Yay! My friend Annie was hosting and we read this book:

Definitely a fun one to discuss!

Three days after we got home, on October 28th, Joel peacefully passed away in the night. Judie contacted us at 4:30 am. We knew it was coming but we were heartbroken to lose him. We were so glad that we flew to Utah to be with him the week before and that this horrible illness that was making him miserable didn't drag on for weeks. We bought plane tickets to Utah for the second time this month.

Poor Bryn and Ailey got the news early in the morning and were in tears and then immediately had to head out the door for early morning volleyball and dance team. They were troopers. Kameron is too especially being so far away from family. I am SO GLAD that he was able to video chat with his grandpa while we were in Utah the week before. Joel's funeral was scheduled for Friday, November 5th. 

That date was stressful because that is the same weekend that Midtown Market was doing their Holiday Open House which is HUGE...the biggest event of the year...and I was going to have to completely redo my booth and get it all decked out for Christmas way earlier than I thought or was prepared for. I had to do some serious scrambling but I managed it and my booth turned out great! 

Then right before Halloween Reilly and Hunter both got sick. The same symptoms that Tyler had when he had COVID. They were miserable. They ended up missing their big Halloween party and had to be tested for COVID. This was awful...neither one is vaccinated...and we had all just purchased our plane tickets. Reilly was worried that she was going to miss the funeral. We had several tense days and then their COVID tests came back NEGATIVE! They missed out on all of the Halloween festivities but they were feeling good by the time we flew to Utah for the funeral. Thank the Lord!! 

Ailey danced at her last high school football game. It's these little milestones that give me a pain in my heart. Senior year just flies by! This game was held in Cheney and the high school does not have enough bleachers so parents were sitting on the grass watching the game and the students were on the track. It was craziness and it was freezing!

Bryn and I trying to stay warm!

The dance team in their huddle before their performance.

Ailey's name was announced on the loud speaker and she was recognized even though it wasn't officially her Senior Night. That was fun! Four years on the dance team and team captain! We are so proud of her!! She got flowers from her coaches which was really sweet. Goodbye football games.

Her teammates congratulating her!

Halloween came and went. That will also be another blog post of its own.

We found out the funeral arrangements. Joel planned it all himself when he realized that he wasn't going to get better. He picked out everything. Tyler was asked to speak and dedicate the grave. I was asked to say the closing prayer and Ailey was asked to lead the music. 

In preparing to be out of town...we found a great kennel for Beverly since our whole family including Hunter were going to be in Utah. It is affiliated with our vet and it is awesome! She would be staying in some posh accommodations! She had to have a vet visit prior and an *interview* with the kennel. She will get a suite with a window! Plus they have 24/7 video monitoring! Oh yes! That is exactly what our pampered pooch needs. We are so picky about who cares for her and watches her while we are gone. We are a little neurotic after our other pug, the beloved Mrs. Beasley, passed away while while we were on vacation in someone else's care. This place is awesome and puts all of the other kennels I've seen to shame! Having Beverly established put our minds at ease and this will be perfect for our big trip to the Midwest this summer and any future trips that the whole fam will go on.

To end the month on a high note; Ailey got her official senior pictures and they are darling!! That will also be its own post.

Another rollercoaster month of emotions and compounding stress. There were a few pockets of peace which was nice. I had no contact with my sisters except for two emails about our trust bank account. Yay. We had zero bandwidth to deal with family drama this month. It was so nice to be with Tyler's family and be around loving and supportive family. They have all had their ups and downs in their relationships through the years but everyone is in a really good place right now. The family is close and loving. It was just what we needed.