One More Hug

As I said in a previous post, we flew to Utah on a Thursday evening, on the day that I had brunch with my Aunt Bonnie. When the girls got home from school, we jumped in the car, and headed to the airport. Reilly couldn't get off of work and didn't get to come with us which was extremely sad. She and Hunter kept an eye on the house and on Miss Beverly for us.

By the time we got to SLC, got our rental car, and drove to Provo it was around 9:30 pm. We were starving so we stopped for dinner at Culvers (our kids favorite...and a Minnesota favorite) for food and frozen custard. Then we checked into our hotel. Tyler had booked us a nice hotel in downtown Provo. We were exhausted. Judie wanted us to meet them tomorrow in Provo at Joel's appointment with his oncologist. Joel had been released from the hospital the day before and was at home in Moroni.

The next morning we got up and headed over to Tyler's brother Brett's house. We had brunch with Brett, Marissa, Liv, and Lori and got the scoop on things from Lori before we went to Joel's doctor appointment that afternoon. Lori flew back to DC the next day so it was good that we had a little overlap time to see her.

It was great to be with Lori, Brett, Marissa, and our niece Liv. They caught us up to speed on all that had been going on. My mother-in-law has been very dependent on Joel and hasn't even been driving herself because she has cataracts and had put off surgery. Joel's son, Ben, was in town now along with Joel's youngest daughter, Holly, and they relieved Lori who had said her very difficult goodbyes and was staying in SLC with Brett and Marissa until her flight left the next day. She had used up all of her PTO.

Joel came into Tyler and his siblings lives about a year and a half after Tyler's parents divorced. Their parents divorced while Tyler was on his mission. Tyler's mom moved from Orem to Sanpete County and started working at Snow College. She met Joel, who was also divorced, and living in Moroni. They got married a year before I met Tyler. So Joel was always in the picture when I came on the scene. Tyler's dad never remarried and continued living in Orem. Tyler was living with him when I met Tyler. His dad, sadly, passed away about three months after we started dating. All that is to say that Joel has been in the family for a long time and is well loved. He has been a kind and loving friend to his step-children, a father-in-law to their spouses, and a true grandpa to their children.

The originals: Tyler, Lori, and Brett

Cousins: The girls with our niece Liv

While sad it was still fun to be together, to laugh, and to reminisce. Something momentous occurred while we were all together. Bryn got her period. (I have permission to share.) I got a text telling me to come to the bathroom "RIGHT NOW!!!" LOL. All was well and Bryn was congratulated on entering womanhood! Ha Ha!

Later that afternoon it was time to head back to Utah county to meet Judie and Joel. We had an hour to kill so we took Bryn to celebrate as is tradition with the Johnson girls. She wanted to go to Kneaders.

Joel's son Ben and his wife Sarah drove Judie and Joel up to Provo. Judie and Joel wanted Ben and Tyler to be with them when they got the definitive results of the latest biopsy and the stage of the cancer. Joel looked terrible. He was in a wheel chair and had an oxygen tank. His skin was gray. It was almost impossible to believe that this was the same man cruising Lake Coeur d' Alene with us and playing the electric cigar box guitar only three months before. 

Sarah, Ailey, Bryn, and I waited while the four of them went in. Tyler said that it was one of the hardest things he's ever been present for...to be there when someone is told there is no hope...nothing can be done...it's stage 4C (the worst of the worst)...and that Joel had days left... maybe a week to two weeks at most. 

Tyler said that the oncologist was extremely kind and gentle. They were all in tears. Joel was a stalwart. He wanted the facts and he took them bravely. The doctor told them that Joel had the most aggressive form of thyroid cancer. One small nodule and you are immediately classified as stage four. They could put Joel through chemo and radiation but it wasn't likely to do anything but make Joel feel worse than he already did. They could try a DNA match medication that targets this particular cancer but it was unlikely to work and it would take 2-3 weeks to have ready. The doctor quietly told Joel that at the rate the cancer was growing and spreading he didn't think it would be ready in time to do any good. Joel told him to go ahead and give the orders for the medication just in case. The doctor asked Joel what he wanted to do about chemo and radiation. Joel said, "If it isn't going to heal me or make me feel better than I do now... I don't want it." The doctor said that if it was him he would make the same choice...to go home and enjoy what time he had left. The doctor was LDS and knew that Judie and Joel were too. He told them that this is the same cancer that Elder L. Tom Perry had. They found Elder Perry's cancer earlier and did chemo/radiation and he only lived six weeks. This is a really awful cancer.

We met up with them when they came out of the doctor's office. All were in tears. We looked at Judie and she said, "It's not good news." We all cried together under the covered drive while Ben brought the car around. The girls gave Grandpa hugs and told him how much they loved him. We all did. As Tyler was helping Joel into the car he told Tyler just how tired he was feeling. Absolutely exhausted. We made plans to come down to Moroni the next day. We knew they needed time to be alone and to try to process everything. I was so glad that Ben and Tyler were there to support to them. 

After Joel's doctor appointment we were in a stunned and sadden state. We didn't know what to do or where to go. We ended up driving over to the Provo Temple. We got out and walked around the grounds just as the golden hour hit. Beautiful. It was the perfect place to feel peace.

As we were walking around the grounds and marveling at how stunning Timpanogos and Rock Canyon are; we saw two deer walking around on the temple grounds too. Somehow that felt significant. We have often associated Joel with deer and for whatever reason this felt like a sign of peace and comfort.

We said a prayer and left feeling a little lighter.

We went out to dinner at Los Hermanos. More for nostalgia's sake than for the food. We went to the one that is now in the University Mall. I miss the one that was downtown on Center Street. We introduced the girls to the Brisa drink: blackberries, strawberries, and ice cream blended together and to the Diablo Verde: a kiwi, lime, banana, and pineapple drink. One thing that I love about Utah is all of the specialty non-alcoholic drinks. 

After dinner we headed back to our hotel and as the night was warm we wandered around a bit downtown. It's changed a lot since our college days but so much of it is still familiar. I love the addition of the Provo City Center Temple. We fell into bed that night emotionally and physically drained.

The next morning we were up early. Tyler and the girls did a quick Target run and got us boba drinks for the ride down to Moroni. Most of Joel's kids were there when we arrived. It was so good to see them. We are the closest to the three youngest kids: Forrest, Gregg, and Holly. They lived with Judie and Joel after they got married. Forrest is my brother Kirk's age and Holly is my sister Jordin's age with Gregg in the middle. Forrest was 10 when I first met him, Gregg was 8, and Holly was 6. We attended all of their special events when they were young: baptisms, concerts, dance recitals, eagle scout banquets, and graduations. Forrest has come to visit us a couple of times since we moved to WA and we've gone on a camping trip together along with Judie and Joel. But it's been a few years since we have seen Gregg and Holly and the older Erickson kids. Forrest and his family live in WA too but on the west side.

Judie and Joel's house.

Shortly after we arrived at the house the hospice nurse showed up. Most all of us were present to hear about hospice and how it works. It was sobering. Joel had to fill out all kinds of paper work as he (and we) tried to absorb that this was really happening. The nurse was very kind and loving but terms like "after you are gone..." and "in the time that you have left..." were hard to take and there were a lot of tears. It just didn't seem real. It was strange to hear that he didn't need to take all of his previous medications anymore. No more vitamins, no blood pressure meds, blood thinners, or heart meds. He could just...stop. Joel has suffered from A-Fib for the last ten years. While in the hospital the week before he had to have another electrical cardioversion to restore a regular heart rhythm. There would be no more of that either.

The hospice nurse asked what he liked to drink and he said diet coke. Judie said, "You know you aren't supposed to have caffeine with your heart issues." The nurse quietly told her that wasn't an issue any more and if he wanted a diet coke he could have it. He could have anything that sounded good to eat or drink. Unfortunately there wasn't much that he could swallow. His throat was so closed off that it was making breathing difficult much less swallowing. He could also barely talk above a hoarse whisper and suffered bout after bout of wracking coughing fits that were hard to witness. The nurse talked to the family about what we could expect in the coming days and had more detailed instructions for those who would be caregivers. It was HARD. She was there for about two hours. Joel was thrilled when she finally left. He said, "I thought she was NEVER going to leave!"

Joel had been subsisting on broth, water, a little yogurt, and popsicles. So as soon as he got the go ahead to drink whatever he wanted Tyler and I ran to the little drive in hamburger place in Moroni and got him a giant diet coke and a vanilla milkshake that he thought sounded good. He polished off a good bit of the milkshake and drank that giant diet coke for two days. The hospice nurse said that coke (and only coke for whatever reason) seems to help lessen coughing.

We were there all day and we could see how tired and run down Joel was and Judie too. We all left in the evening to give them some time alone. Forrest and Holly were planning to stay for the next two weeks. But even they left to be with their families at the hotel for a few hours. I sat talking to Joel before I left about how he was holding up and dealing with things and he kept saying, "It's just all happened so fast." It truly was bewildering. I know that Judie was struggling with the reality of it. It was so hard for them because they were so happy that everyone was there and they were trying to enjoy being with everyone while this giant wrecking ball was hanging over their heads. 

Joel wanted to have "church" at his home the next day and partake of the sacrament. Forrest and Tyler are the only children still active in the church and they were on top of it. Tyler called their bishop and got everything arranged. Forrest was dealing with the ward and how they could help support Judie and Joel. They got everything planned and arranged. Then we hugged them goodbye and drove back to Provo. 

We were hungry so we stopped in Springville to eat at our old favorite restaurant, La Casita. We have wanted to eat there every time we are in Utah but just never seem to find our way to Springville. This was a regular family favorite when I was in 3rd-5th grade and we lived in Springville. Our family picture is even somewhere on the wall (or it used to be) in the hundreds of old polaroid pictures that they have covering the walls. The place was packed but we got right in and it was just a good as I remembered! After that it was back to our hotel where we collapsed and watched Ghostbusters.

The next morning we got up, put on our church clothes, and drove back down to Moroni. Forrest, his wife Hanna, and their kids: Ella, Zeanna, and Hazel met us there. We love them!!

Ailey, Ella, Hazel, Bryn, and Zeeanna.

We all headed into the living room and had our family church service. It was an incredibly special experience. We prayed and sang hymns. Judie played the piano and Ailey led the music. Tyler and Forrest prepared, blessed, and passed the Sacrament. Joel had made these cool wooden sacrament trays that he and Judie used when church was closed and home church was happening. Forrest's daughters sang the song, "My Own Sacred Grove." Then both Judie and Joel asked Tyler and Forrest to give them both priesthood blessings. That was a very spiritual experience. After that Judie asked Joel what song he would like for the closing song. He chose God Be With You Till We Meet Again. There were no dry eyes. As I looked at my father-in-law who was struggling to simply breathe and who could barely speak; I saw him look up the hymn and sing it in a raspy voice that was barely a whisper. I thought what a tremendous example of humility, bravery, and faith he is to all of us. I was so profoundly grateful for him and his example not only in my life but in the lives of all of us. I looked around at this simple living room that was full of love and knew that it was holy ground. I felt the Spirit of the Lord so strongly and we all shared a deep sense of peace.

As I looked at Tyler and Forrest, I saw them as the boys they were and the honorable men they have become...loving husbands and devoted fathers. Men who walk the talk. Tyler and Forrest are so similar that you would think that they were true brothers. They have very similar personalities, senses of humor, likes, and interests. They are both even in the same career field. They are more alike than Tyler and his own brother. Both Tyler and Forrest are somewhat outliers in their own families. Different from the rest. I think they were always meant to be brothers. All of our kids kept telling them how much they are alike. They both enjoyed the comparison. I am grateful that they had each other especially during this incredibly difficult time. I loved watching these two amazing men kneel in prayer, administer the sacrament, and honorably use the priesthood to bless and comfort their families. It brought tears to my eyes. 

Joel could have done anything he wanted on our last day together but what he wanted to do was take the sacrament and have a church service with his grandchildren. He wanted them to know what he believed and what he considered to be the most important thing in life. He showed them what true faith looked like. He wanted to share his love of the Savior with his grandchildren and family on the last day that we would have as a family in this life. The memory of that day...that home church service...and Joel... will be a touchstone in our lives. Of all the things that he could do or say...this is what mattered to him and what he wanted to leave with his family. 

Joel also really wanted to have a Sunday family dinner. He was always the host of our family gatherings. He cooked and loved to feed everyone. He hated not being able to do that. It was literally stressing him out worrying about his grandkids being hungry the day before. Food was the last thing on all of our minds yesterday. But on Sunday it was extremely important to him that we have this dinner. Important enough that Forrest was asked to go to the store and get the fixings for a spaghetti dinner the night before. I was asked to prepare it. I consider that quite a compliment. Joel has always been my number one fan in the cooking department. Judie has always had so many dietary issues that their meals have become pretty plain unless family is visiting. So he always enjoys meals at our house. He will have seconds and thirds. He compliments me up a storm. He is the sweetest! So after our church service Ailey and Bryn and I got busy cooking in the kitchen. Actually everyone helped. Forrest was cutting carrots from their garden and Hanna and her girls were bustling around helping. 

Tyler was in the living room with Judie and Joel because Kameron's Mission President gave Kam special permission to video chat with his grandparents and so he was helping with that. It was fun to have a Sunday dinner with everyone and even Joel who had been on basically a liquid diet wanted to eat some spaghetti and garlic bread. I love that he was still trying to show love for my cooking even on our last day together when I know how difficult it was for him to swallow anything. He ate as much as he could (which wasn't much) but he had a smile on his face to eat some "real food."

Video Chatting with Kam

I loved that Kameron was able to talk to his Grandpa, tell him about the latest happenings on his mission and the little branch where he is serving. Joel lit up and told Kam about his experiences with a branch and serving in the church. It was the most energized that we saw Joel that visit. They were able to have a good conversation (God bless technology!) and it was so nice for Kam to be able to talk to him and tell him that he loved him and to hear his grandpa say he loved him too and was proud of him. All.the.tears.

We stayed all day and the kids played in the yard. Hanna and I took pictures of the house and outbuildings and talked quietly about the family. She is awesome and I love her.

Joel built this cute "She Shed" for Judie.

Joel's shop.

The old original pioneer cabin that is on the property.

The beautiful ceiling that Joel made inside the house.

The lovely fireplace and mantle that he built.

Forrest and Tyler stayed inside with Judie and Joel. Joel discussed with them how he wanted things handled after he was gone. He told them what he wanted Judie to do with the house, cars, truck, and trailer etc. Forrest and Tyler assured him that whatever he wanted done would be done. Joel also started giving things away. He gave Tyler one of the electric cigar box guitars that he made. These are precious to the entire family and he only had four. The fact that he wanted our family to have one of them makes me cry. We had so much fun with Joel in July when he was teaching us to play it. He also wanted me to pick out a stein from his collection.

Grandpa signing his guitar.

We took family pictures. Joel didn't love having his picture taken but he still did it. It is so hard to believe the drastic change in his appearance in less than three months.

When my mom died so suddenly, our kids talked a lot about wishing they could have given her one more hug or said one more "I love you" and it's true we all wish that but we also talked about how there could never be enough hugs or enough I love you's. There aren't and there never could be. Even when death is expected there can never be enough.

All day we hugged Joel and told him over and over how much we loved him and how much he means to us and he told us over and over how much he loved us. But when the time came for us to actually physically leave it was almost impossible and unbearably painful. The girls kept running over to him "One more hug" and then we'd be almost to the door and back they went saying, "Just one more hug Grandpa." Back I would go too saying, "We love you so much!! We are so grateful for you!! You are the best! The best grandpa, the best father-in-law" and "I love you, we love you, we love you so much!" There are never enough hugs or I love you's or words to tell someone how much they mean to you for the last time. My family always tears up with goodbyes but this time we sobbed as we drove away. We wept as we drove back to Provo. Our hearts were absolutely aching. 

Kirk called us on our drive back to Provo and told us to come to his house ASAP. So we did. It was a much needed balm. Kirk and Meki know grief and they know how to sit with you in it. If there's anything we've all learned over the last two years it's how to sit with people in grief. They let us talk and cry. They fed us late night Chinese take out. They made us smile and laugh and feel better. My brother is hilarious and Uncle Kirky did a great job of cheering up his nieces.

Kirin wanted to be twins with Bryn so he ran to put on a shirt like hers over his Spiderman costume!

I am so grateful for Kirk and Meki, Forrest and Hanna, Brett and Marissa, and Lori. I am grateful for family and siblings who stand side by side and arm in arm with you in the trenches. They are gifts.

The next morning we checked out of our hotel and drove up Provo Canyon to Heber (which is unrecognizable) and onto Kamas and Oakley. We stopped for donuts at the Kamas Mirror Lake Chevron whose homemade donuts are truly the best donuts that I have ever had. We drove past my mom's old house in Oakley and showed the kids where Uncle Kirk went to high school and where Tyler and I went on our first date. Then we drove down Parley's Canyon and back into SLC. The girls wanted to stop and do a little shopping before our flight home. We grabbed lunch and then it was onto the airport.

The weather was rainy and windy in SLC. We had the worst turbulence that I have ever experienced in my life on the flight home. I am not a nervous flier and I was nervous. The girls did okay because they were looking at their dad who was laughing and saying, "This is awesome!" He is crazy. It was not awesome and I was glad when we finally landed safely in Spokane!

This trip was extremely emotional and difficult but it was one that we will never regret making. Having that time with Joel was a gift. A precious gift.