(I have a lot of unpublished...or half written...or for whatever reason.. thus unposted drafts and have decided to clean up my blogger files. Here goes #1. It's from over a year ago.)
A Grisly Tale of Red Velvet Cake (not for the squeamish...you've been warned.)
This is Tyler's Birthday Cake...Red Velvet in all it's Southern Glory.
Tyler and I both have a special affinity for the South. We have both lived there and loved it. Tyler in North Carolina, while serving his mission, and me in Houston. Once you have lived in the South it gets in your blood makes itself comfy and you will forever be part of one another. Even though we live in the the beautiful Pacific Northwest we still long for the South. We like to talk about how one day we will live here June through January and then we will head South for the rest of the gloomy wet winter. Destination...yet to be decided.
One thing that can't be denied is that Southern Cooking is about as good as it gets. Both of us have always liked Red Velvet Cake (even before it was all the rage) but we have yet to have found THE recipe. And so began our quest...to find the most perfect and delicious Red Velvet cake recipe. In the process several cakes were made...and thus we commence with our grisly tale...not for the faint of heart. Suffice it to say that when our kids see Red Velvet Cake coming they run screaming!!
Why you ask? It started so innocently last January. It was a Sunday and that means dessert at our house. But we had nothing on hand and didn't want to go to the store...you know being that it was Sunday...so down to the food storage shelves we went. Low and behold there was a box of Duncan Hines Red Velvet Cake Mix (I hate cake mix but it was all we had) it was leftover from my Christmas Cake Balls that never were. We decided to whip it up but would make homemade cream cheese frosting to go on top (I HATE canned frosting even more than cake mix) The cake was awful except for the frosting but we ate it because we were hungry and wanted something sweet.
Flash forward to Monday afternoon. I'm in our bedroom and all the kids (except for Reilly who wasn't home) are doing their usual after-school routine. Suddenly I hear a blood curdling scream and Kameron starts yelling "Mom!! Get in here!!" I came running to find Kameron standing by the bathroom door and Ailey on the toilet howling.
Here was our conversation:
Me: "WHAT IS GOING ON?"
Kam: "Get in the bathroom!! QUICK!!"
Me: "Ailey!! What's the matter?"
Ailey: (Howling)
Kam: "Ailey is pooping blood!! TONS OF IT!!"
Me: "What?!"
Kam: "LOOK!!"
Well let me tell you that the sight that met my eyes nearly had me puking!! As I was running for the phone to call 911 because Ailey was clearly dying... a vision came to my mind of a bowl of Duncan Hines Red Velvet Cake Batter that was neon red. It was so shockingly red that Tyler called me into the kitchen on Sunday to observe the bizarrely red color. I recall us even saying "Good grief...that can't be healthy." That bright red dye had worked it's way through poor Ailey's system scaring us to death.
Flash forward several hours...everyone except for Tyler is home...and dinner is over. Reilly is missing. I start calling for her to do something...no answer. I ask everyone..."Where is Reilly?" I found out that she was in the bathroom. She was in there for a LONG LONG TIME. So I begin to do the usual motherly "Are you okay in there?" No response. "Hello. Are you okay in there?" No response. "REILLY!" No response. "REILLY!! OPEN THE DOOR!! NOW!!" No response. (Let it be known that Reilly is a fainter and I was sure she was lying unconscious on the floor.) Kameron was running for a butter knife (which is the way we open a locked bathroom door around here.) Just as I am jamming the butter knife into the lock out came Reilly ashen and shaking like a leaf.
Me: What the hell?? Are you okay?
Reilly: I don't think so.
Me: What?! Why?
Reilly: I think something is seriously wrong.
Me: (yelling now) WHY?
Reilly: I think I just crapped an organ. (For the record she normally doesn't speak so crudely...I'll chalk it up to shock.)
Me: WHAT? What the hell are you talking about? (Realization dawns...)
Me: Literally on the floor laughing...crying...howling with laughter.
Reilly: (ticked off) I MAY BE DYING AND YOU ARE LAUGHING!!
Kameron: (Laughing hysterically)
Ailey: (Laughing hysterically)
Finally we were able to clue her in. Only to have her yell. "I HATE YOU ALL AND I AM NEVER EATING RED VELVET CAKE AGAIN!!"
Not too many sweet treats at our house are able to sit out in the open, in the fridge, or in the freezer unmolested. But...Ben and Jerry's Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream...which is fabulous by the way...is never touched (That's the sound of Tyler and I cheering!!) and that is the reason if you ever offer our kids Red Velvet Cake they will run for their lives.
