10 Things to Tell You: #2

10 Things to Tell You: Are You Lonely? When Have You Felt Lonely?

As I said in a previous post I am doing Laura Tremaine's 10 Things to Tell You challenge. Laura asks some interesting questions and then she challenges you to share your thoughts via blogs, social media, or journaling. This is prompt #2 and it is definitely a more thought-provoking prompt and one that is more difficult to answer. This is a subject that isn't often talked about...even with our closest friends and family. When I asked myself the question, "Am I lonely?" My answer was immediately no. I'm not lonely. But the follow up question of "When have you felt lonely?" really opened up some self-reflection and brought up some different times in my life. Yes, I have been lonely... often extremely lonely... at different times throughout my life. I am going to skip over the obvious...moving to a new town and being the new girl in high school or college when I was homesick. I'll focus on times of loneliness in my adult life. Ironically the times in my life when I have felt the most lonely were times when I was surrounded by people. So you really can feel lonely while having loving friends, family, spouses, and children around you.

The first time that came to mind was as a young mother. I remember feeling very lonely during those early first years of motherhood. It spanned the time from Reilly's birth through the year after Kameron's birth. I was home alone with little kids. Tyler worked two jobs and was gone from early in the morning until late at night. It was just me and babies...for hours and hours. I was trying to find my way as a stay-at-home mom and I felt very isolated and lonely. This was also pre-internet (at least when Reilly was a baby), texting, and social media.

It was also during this time that we moved from Provo, Utah to Salt Lake City. I was no longer working or going to school full-time although I did take college night classes at the BYU Extension campus and that literally saved my life. Our big group of friends from college were all starting new lives in other cities and other states. All of us were headed in all different directions. We scattered and were busy starting our families and careers. Tyler and I were active in the church but we were in a ward with a lot of apartments and people moving in and out so we didn't feel like a part of the ward. It was not very welcoming. Particularly because they knew that we were transitional and probably wouldn't be in the ward for very long. My family lived in or near SLC but my mom was busy with her career, Kirk and Jordin were in high school, and I wasn't close to my sisters despite living literally next door to one of them. We would all gather at my mom's house for Sunday dinners and that was about it. There wasn't a lot of interaction and support. Tyler and I were the only active members of the church and that seemed to cause tension and issues in both of our families. Our lives were going in a different direction. I also know now that for part of those years I was suffering from post-partum depression especially after Kameron was born. That was a super hard time. I had severe post-partum depression after Kameron and Bryn. It wasn't quite as bad with Reilly and Ailey. No one (besides Tyler) really asked me how I was doing or how I was feeling and I guess I just thought that this was how women feel. I look back on that time in my life and I wish that I knew then what I know now and had the support system that I do now. It certainly would've made those early years a bit easier.

Things definitely improved when we moved to Spokane. Moving here was the best decision. We moved when Reilly was four and a few months before Kameron turned one. We moved into a super welcoming ward. We got callings right away and found good friends and mentors. We felt part of a big ward family and stake. We were taken in and cared and looked out for. I met a bunch of amazing moms. The kids and I were part of a big active playgroup that met once a week and I was invited to join a book club that was a huge blessing in my life. It was a completely different atmosphere and vibe. We felt so supported, loved, and appreciated. We were busy and active and things improved so much for me.

The next super lonely time was after Tyler's brain hemorrhage. That was such a hard and scary time. We didn't know what the future held for us. I was trying to hold it all together for Tyler and the kids. I couldn't always be scared and crying and panicked. But sometimes I just couldn't hold it in...and the kids saw me cry and worry. Too many times Tyler was trying to comfort and reassure me when he should have been focusing on his recovery and I should have been comforting and reassuring him. Many times I would burst into tears with my friends and we would all cry together and they would listen to me talk for hours. Even though they were so sweet and helpful I still felt very alone in all of it. My family wasn't really involved besides occasional calls and texts to check in...perhaps some of that was my own fault...I could've said that I needed more support or that I felt really alone and scared. But at that time we weren't all getting along and I didn't feel comfortable or safe opening up to them. I absolutely could not deal with any family drama on top of what we were already dealing with. I pulled away for the mental health of my own family. I still feel like that was the best decision. We could only concentrate on one thing...Tyler's health. Once Tyler started to improve I know that he felt the isolation/loneliness too... like it was the two of us against the world. We have a super supportive ward and great friends but that kind of situation (probably any kind of serious health issue or serious challenge or struggle) is super isolating. People don't want to intrude or disturb when really we would've welcomed any distraction. I think that is a big lesson that I learned. Go visit people. Even if you think they aren't up for visitors. Everyone that came to see us or brought us meals or just came over to visit during that time were such welcome distractions. I can't tell you how nice it was to laugh and feel somewhat normal and to take even a short break from the overwhelming worry and anxiety of the situation. But despite friends and love being shown to us and all around us it still was a very lonely time. We were in a weird situation that was hard for other people to relate to or know how to help. We had no idea either. It was a tough tough time. Our family of six turned inward and fortified our boundaries and strengthened and lifted one another. We leaned hard into our faith and relied on the Lord to help us through which He did.

The next lonely time was an offshoot of the one above and actually started before that and extended after. When I am going through rough times with my family I feel very lonely. We had a little over two years of hard extended family issues. It made us not want to spend a lot of time with family. There is a lot of dysfunction in my family (my own siblings and mom) and it extends out to aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was a really uncomfortable time. Often we would attend a family event and as we walked in all conversation would stop. I remember being at an event that we literally forced ourselves to attend and had a family member say, "Why are YOU here? I thought you WEREN'T going to be here!!" It was terrible. Down came our walls and boundaries. Like I said... this started before Tyler's health issues and didn't end until our family discussion over Christmas break. When I feel disconnected from my family (siblings and mom) I do feel lonely.  I saw this quote about loneliness and it felt really applicable to this particular time. I know this isn't always the case when people feel lonely but it certainly was the case for me in the last situation with my family.

Loneliness isn't a topic that I am super comfortable discussing but I think that in this day and age so many people DO feel lonely and like no one cares. It is an epidemic in our culture. We are all so connected (digitally) and so unconnected (physically). I know that all three of these situations have taught me a great deal and have changed the way that I do things and how I interact with others. I know that loneliness will come again. It is a part of life. We all struggle. We all do or will feel lonely but by being vulnerable and sharing our stories and the things that we struggle with it helps us to connect with one another. It helps us to have compassion and empathy for one another and it teaches us to reach out to those around us and helps us to feel less alone.

Good grief! That was a dark and gloomy post. I hope that the next prompt is a bit lighter!!