10 Things to Tell You: How Do You Connect To Your Body?
And...it's another difficult writing prompt. How do I connect to my body? Good question.
I would say that I didn't for many years. But once I hit 40 and actually started *feeling* my body more...since it seemed to be falling apart and betraying me...I tuned in and started paying more attention. I had to. It was demanding notice.
I would say that in the last five years I have been learning about and experiencing more of the mind/body/spirit connection and trying to find balance. I have been so surprised to learn how truly our body keeps the score...with stress, trauma, anxiety...things like that. I am learning how everything really is connected. I don't know why this was such a shock to me but it was. It seems so obvious now. I have been working hard to try to have a healthy and loving relationship with my body. It hasn't been easy but I am listening to it more...because it has been screaming at me for the past several years...gut issues, hair loss, weight gain, low energy, anxiety, insomnia, elevated blood pressure, suddenly needing reading glasses, wrinkles...add to that the relentless noise of body issues. I am trying to learn to feel comfortable in my own skin...mentally and physically. It is a process.
I grew up in a home that was stressful and chaotic. It wasn't always a safe place. Exercise became my way of dealing with hard emotions and problems. It was a release for me. I was a child who played outside and played hard for as long as possible. I never came inside unless I absolutely had to. Living in Springdell was the perfect outlet...there was so much to do but when we moved to Kansas City and I was cooped up inside it was terrible. When I was a junior in high school I got a job at Meadowbrook Athletic Club. I started working in their childcare center and then moved up to the front desk. I got a free membership and worked out to my heart's content. I took every aerobics and fitness class that I could and hung out there with my coworkers and friends. When I had hard emotions to deal with I went for long walks or runs. I remember being in certain situations at home and not being able to deal with it anymore so I would grab my running shoes and hit the road. Many times I remember my mom chasing me down in the car to try to talk to me. Somehow exercise has always been an outlet for me. I always knew that it helped to relieve my anxiety and stress and helped me to problem solve. I have worked out regularly, 4-5 days a week, for the last 30 years. I have never been without a gym membership since I was 17 years old. It is a necessity for me. I know that I need that outlet both mentally and physically.
My relationship with food has been a journey as well. Up until having children I had always been tall and slim and I never had to worry about what I ate. I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight. Oh those were the days! I am also not a stress eater which is good but since I am a stress exerciser that was not always helpful. As a teenager I would sometimes get too skinny and had several uncomfortable conversations with my mother about that. She would ask me... did I think I had an eating disorder...did I feel compelled to exercise...did I think I needed to lose weight. No on all accounts. But my home life during high school was traumatic and there were times that I did lose weight that I didn't need to lose. College, while fun and exciting, was also stressful so I worked out a lot and didn't eat much due to being a poor college student. Several times my roommate and BFF Tiffany threatened to call my mom if I didn't start gaining some weight. I think she actually did call my mom once. At that time, I had just broken up with someone, I was taking a full and challenging course load, and I was working two jobs. My weight was 103 and I am 5'9. I don't blame her. I would have called her too. When I am stressed, worried, scared, or sad I literally cannot eat. I just shut down that way.
But despite all of that, food is one of the great loves of my life and it is something that I have been consciously mindful of since puberty. My stepfather, a runner and a jerk, often remarked on the foods that I ate. I felt like everything I ate was being noticed and judged which was weird since we very rarely had sweets, snacks, or desserts at our house. My mom loves salty and fatty foods and we had those things in abundance but as those aren't my go-to snacks I have been a fairly healthy eater from early on.
Marrying Tyler, who is a type 1 diabetic, made me even more mindful of the things that we ate and had in our home. I had to constantly think about what foods to buy and eat. Especially in the days before insulin pumps and continuous glucose monitors. Tyler has a HUGE sweet tooth which is TERRIBLE for a diabetic obviously and so we couldn't have a bunch of junk in the house or he would eat it. I have also had to think about how many carbs we were eating since Tyler had to calculate those after meals to know how much insulin he would need to take. Those were the days before carb counting was a thing. Mindful eating has been a part of our lives since we started dating.
After having kids we knew that we wanted to start them out on a healthy path. Since we have a one in four chance of our kids also being diabetic we often talked about having our kids eat healthy foods from the start. Then if they should become diabetic changing their diets wouldn't be such a traumatic upheaval like it was for Tyler. Also, with Tyler's family's heart issues (and now Tyler's too) we have also been conscientious about not eating a super fatty diet.
When Reilly was a toddler and Kameron was a baby we had a few situations occur. Reilly got terrible food poisoning from a hot dog and Kameron had a severe milk allergy. Tyler and I made the decision to cut out meat from our kids diets and ours too, for the most part, and as Kam couldn't have any milk products and I was breastfeeding him we cut out dairy also. This was drastic but we felt that it was necessary. We were vegan WAY before being vegan was hip and cool. After Kam turned one and I stopped breastfeeding him we added dairy back into our diets. Kameron eventually out grew his milk allergy (thank goodness) but we kept our children eating a vegetarian diet. You cannot believe the blowback that we got for that decision. People, family, friends, acquaintances, even strangers were down right rude and extremely judgmental. So often people DEMANDED an explanation. Like we need to explain to you... random ward member... why our kids don't eat meat OR how they are getting enough protein? I don't think so. That still pisses me off and society has really evolved in the last 20 years. Let me just add that our pediatricians both in Utah and here in WA have always been super supportive of this and many times both of them have asked me for vegetarian recipes!! So suck it. See I am still hostile about it.
Our families didn't understand it either. My family was more supportive and my mom would always... although at times exasperatedly... make sure that there was always a vegetarian option. My mother in law, on the other hand, did not support our decision and was very vocal about her displeasure to everyone. What is absolutely hilarious and oh so ironic...is that my mother in law over the course of the last 20 years with her various health and gut issues is now a VEGAN!! Will wonders never cease?! I still can't believe it. Tyler's brother and his wife also eat almost no meat and dairy. Hmmm... times they are a changin'. Even on my side of the family my sister in law Meki eats very similar to us and my niece, Kaiya, is a vegetarian. I guess we aren't so weird after all. I mean my extended family still finds it weird that the Johnsons don't eat many snacks and treats but we aren't crazy about it...lake time, holidays, birthdays etc are times to splurge. We always have a dessert on Sunday but my kids never take chips or desserts or "snack type foods" in their lunches. They don't eat sugar cereal. We very rarely eat processed foods or fast food. We just don't have stuff like that in our house. Do they complain? YES! Have they thanked us? Also YES!
It has been interesting watching Reilly over the years. After moving out and living on her own she decided that she was going to eat whatever she liked. She has now come back around to our way of eating. She learned that eating whatever she liked with no regard for her body had consequences. Plus, it really is easier and cheaper to eat healthy. Reilly still eats a vegetarian diet. Kameron will eat meat when he is not eating at home... but at our house he still eats a vegetarian diet. But every one of our kids are mindful eaters and haters of processed foods. They have learned what Tyler and I have learned...that when we eat garbage we feel like garbage. I love that they all talk about how they feel after eating certain things. They are learning way earlier than me to feel connected to their bodies. It was so funny after the holidays this year when every single member of my family said to me at one point..."No more sweets and no more rich food!"
Our way of eating has been super helpful with all of Tyler's health issues like when he had his heart surgery and had a stent put in. He didn't have to change one thing in his diet. His heart issues are 100% hereditary. Our kids family health history REQUIRES that they be mindful eaters. Reilly struggles with emotional and stress eating. (Many people in my family do.) She also hates to exercise. She has really struggled the past few years. I am super proud of the decision that she has made in the last few months to make her health her first priority. Health...not weight. There is a difference and a distinction. It isn't about losing weight... it is about being healthy and feeling good. I eat the way I do and exercise because of the way it makes me feel...losing weight is secondary.
Now onto the mind. I am a big proponent of counseling. The mind part of the mind/body connection is huge. What happens in our minds manifests itself in our bodies. Read the book
The Body Keeps the Score. That book is powerful and life changing. Also, there is no shame in going to counseling. Everyone needs counseling. I REPEAT...EVERYONE needs counseling!! Working through issues as they arise is so helpful and healing past issues is so important.
Stillness is another thing that I am learning and working on. Stillness is becoming relaxing to me...be that through prayer or meditation. Prayer is my go to. I need prayer all day every day. That connection to the Lord is my lifeline. How do you parent without prayer? Not possible. Also listening to my body and understanding its need for down days...days without anything going on...days of quiet and rest. I am not a quiet and restful person by nature. Quiet and rest have always made me antsy but I am learning and coming to really appreciate and value those days. I cannot go 100 miles an hour each and every day. It drains me and leaves me empty with nothing to give to anyone.
Sleep is also huge for me. I NEED 8 hours. I am neither a night owl nor an early bird. I could seriously go to bed every night at 8 pm. I don't...but nights that I do get to bed early are a delight as are mornings that I get to sleep in!
The whole concept of the mind/body/spirit connection and feeling connected to my body is a work in progress. Exercise, healthy eating, dealing with issues and emotions as they arise, being still, connecting with a higher power, getting adequate sleep, and having a healthy sex life are all ways that help me to do that. (Yes, a healthy sex life is a big part of feeling connected to our bodies and to our partners...but that is a topic for another day!)
I am sure that it will be a life long journey for me to feel connected to my body and to have a balanced mind, body, and spirit. But I have seen a crucial shift over the last few years in my thinking and how I live my life. I do have a deeper appreciation and respect for what a miracle my body is and what it can do. I am listening to my body much more these days but I still have a long way to go.
