One-a-Day Challenge #30: This is Who I am Right Now

This Is Who I am Now

A 50 year old with a whole bunch of goals, hopes, and dreams for the future who is still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up!

And...that's the end of my One-a-Day Challenge for the month of June!

One-a-Day Challenge #29: What I Want For the Next Three Months

What I want for the next three months?

The next three months are: July, August, and September. I guess what I want is for Kameron to get home from his mission. I want to have a lot of fun family time with Tyler and all of the kids this summer. I want to travel! I want to go boating and paddleboarding. I want to go on family bike rides. I want to bbq and hang out with friends. I want family dinners and movie nights. I want lake days. A LOT of them!! I want to stay up late and eat ice cream and go for walks. I want game nights and date nights. I want picnics and smashball and croquet. I want to do all of our favorite summer things.

 Then when September rolls around I want to launch Kameron and Ailey at college and for it to go well. I want 8th grade to get off to a great start for Bryn. I want her to be okay being the only kid left at home. I want Tyler, Bryn and I to find our new normal. I want ALL of us to be healthy, happy, enjoying life, and loving one another!!

One-a-Day Challenge #28: What is Saving My Life

What is Saving My Life?

Gardening

Life is so incredibly busy and hectic this month and I feel like I barely have time to sit down, let alone relax, but my flowers are blooming! Peonies, foxgloves, roses, daisies, lavender, phlox...just to name a few. I somehow still manage to find time to be outside and in my flowerbeds. It is SO calming. It is SO peaceful. It allows me to stop and literally smell the roses and helps me to breathe deeply in a busy time.

One-a-Day Challenge #27: What I am Watching

 What I am Watching:

1.) The Queen's Platinum Jubilee

I love all things Royal and Royal events like this are my jam. I absolutely love them! I watched all of the coverage I possibly could. It was fantastic and got my summer off to a great start!

2.) Stranger Things

How is it even possible that my TV viewing got even better after the Jubilee?! But it did. Stranger Things returned! I love this show so much. This season was scarier and darker but I loved it and I love that my family watches it together.

3.) Succession

I started watching this when I had COVID. This isn't the type of show that I usually go for but once I started watching it in my COVID funk I couldn't stop. A toxic dysfunctional family? Sounds great! I love it!

4.) Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 

It's back. My old favorite. I guess I enjoy watching toxic dysfunction. It's better than participating in it. I find this show to be oddly relaxing and one that I can zone out too. LOL.

One-a-Day Challenge #26: Something I Do For Fun

Something I Do For Fun

Here is my current list of things I do for fun:

Date nights

Hanging out with Tyler

Hanging out with our kids...especially one-on-one or when Tyler and I both spend time with one of our kids by themselves.

Laughing my head off

Traveling

Lunches with friends

Book Club

Girls Nights

Riding my bike

Boating

Paddleboarding

Swimming

Going for walks 

Gardening

Exploring

Writing/journaling/blogging

Reading 

Working on projects for my booth.

Listening to podcasts.

Working on house projects with Tyler.

Spending too much time on my phone.

One-a-Day Challenge #25: A Struggle Right Now

A Struggle Right Now: 

Weight Loss

It doesn't want to budge. No matter what I do. This perimenopausal weight gain is terrible. I hate it. I loathe it. I feel defeated by it. Nothing that previously worked is working. The frustrating part is that I eat the same...I work out the same...and yet the weight has packed on. Hormones. It sucks. 

One-a-Day Challenge #24: Quote or Song Lyric

 Song Lyrics/Quote

In this world, it's just us

You know it's not the same as it was

In this world, it's just us

You know it's not the same as it was

As it was, as it was

~As it Was by Harry Styles

These particular lyrics have been stuck in my head. I have no idea what Harry Styles' actual lyrics and song are supposed to be about...the pandemic...ex-lovers...who knows... but for me it represents how life is changing and soon (although we still have 5 more years) but soon enough, it will be "just us" meaning me and Tyler. We will be Kris and Ty once again. We end as we began... (more lyrics...this time Peter Gabriel). 

That's okay. I liked Kris and Ty. I LOVED Kris and Ty! They were a good time! They had less worries and more fun. I look forward to their return.

It might not be the same as it was during our child raising years...it might even be better!

One-a-Day Challenge #23: Beauty/Style Recommendation

Beauty/Style Recommendation

I like a bold lip. Lipstick is my favorite. I will often go out with zero make up on except lipstick. Somehow that glams up a make up free face. LOL.  No clear glosses or nude lip tones for me. Maybe it's the little bit of Texas and the South in me but you can't go wrong with a power lip!

One-a-Day Challenge #22: What I'm Learning

What I'm Learning...

Kids grow up and it's okay. This is a work in progress for me and it is HARD. Why does this happen so fast? By the end of the summer 3 of our 4 kids will be grown and flown. I've now seen that with each launch of a child, our family reconfigures itself into new and interesting shapes, and I have found real joy and delight in each of our small groups. I hope that holds true for what will be our reconfigured small group of three. Of course my happiest days are when our entire family is home and our house is loud with teasing and laughter but there has been something special in each of the new arrangements too.

One-a-Day Challenge #21: I Miss

I Miss...

Those long lazy days of childhood summers. Those summers that seemed to never end. Summer has always been my favorite season and it is an incredibly short one here in Spokane. It doesn't help that as my kids have gotten older, our summers go by even faster. 

Things I love about the summer are: sleeping in, staying up late, no schedules, lazy days, impromptu outings, lake days, bbqs, parks, libraries, movie theaters, hangouts with friends, being outside all the time, sunshine (a big deal here!), travel, afternoon reading, bike rides, paddle boarding, boating, ice cream for dinner, dining alfresco, night walks... just to name a few.

I remember my childhood summers stretching out endlessly...sleeping outside...going to the pool....popsicles...reading in the shade...huge stacks of library books that I devoured...night games...playing outside all day...friends in and out of our house constantly...bike rides...family vacations. It felt like heaven and school seemed so far away. 

Now that I am 50, time moves at warp speed and my summers go by in the blink of an eye. I miss those long endless summer days.

One-a-Day Challenge #20: A Corner of My Home

A Corner of My Home....

We recently replaced the floors downstairs in our family room. The final big project. This is the last room to get new flooring. We ripped out some old carpet that had been in our house since we moved in 19 years ago. Every room has now been upgraded and the house looks so good! Ignore the wadded up curtains and dusty floor. This was a quick pic that I took to send to Kameron right after we finished. I had yet to put down a rug and decorate. LOL. The new floors make such a difference! 

One-a-Day Challenge #19: I'm Proud of Myself For

I Am Proud of Myself For...

Doing what is right even when it is hard. REALLY HARD. Like selling the lake house. It needed to be done and someone had to do it. It sucked and every possible family member came out of the woodwork to offer their opinion or spew their vitriol, or both. Some days the weight of it all had my knees buckling. But I knew it was the right thing to do and I did it no matter the cost...and the cost was a heavy one. It will be a year in August. That's not far away. I wondered then how I would feel a year out. I am glad to say that I am even firmer and more confident in my belief that I did what was right.

One-a-Day Challenge #18: Someone I Admire

Someone I Admire...

This isn't a particular person but a particular type of person. I admire people that SHOW UP. People who show up in my life, my husband's life, and my kids lives. People who love and support us. People who cheer us on. People who mourn with us and people who celebrate with us. People who check in... especially with my kids...those particular people are pure gold. The last three years have shown me very clearly who shows up for me and my family. The people that do...you have my loyalty for life. That's a promise.

I appreciate this so much in my own life and I really try to be that kind of person in other people's lives. I'm not perfect at it. Not even close. It takes intentionality. It takes effort. It can be awkward. But I know how important it is and how much it means to me and to others...especially to those of us who don't have a big extended family. The people who show up usually never know how much it means to the other person. The people who sat with me in my house while I sobbed after my mom died. The people who *forced* me to have fun after we dropped Kameron off at the airport. The people who are counting down the days until Kam comes home with us. Even little things like coming to Ailey's graduation party and wishing her well. Things like that mean a lot. They have an impact. They matter.

Here's to people who show up!

One-a-Day Challenge #17: Something I Don't Usually Share

Something I don't usually share is that I don't miss my sisters.

It sounds harsh and unloving even to my own ears but it is also the truth. Family estrangement is almost impossible for most people to understand unless they've walked the same path and it is why it is something I don't usually share. The average person doesn't understand how no contact is actually the most loving thing I can do right now. Shutting these relationships completely down is actually an act of love. 

I can't adequately describe how healing it has been for my mental/emotional health and how my quality of life has improved now that my sisters aren’t a part of it. The silence. The peace. My family circle is definitely smaller but it is also incredibly peaceful and loving. It is a joyful and supportive space. Unconditional love abounds. The exciting thing is that my small family circle is slowly expanding and will continue to expand! 

When people ask me about the situation with my sisters they look at me with such pity and they say things like, "This would break your mom's heart," or they pressure me to try to reconcile. Not helpful. I understand their incomprehension and sadness for me/my mom/the situation but none of that is helpful or supportive. Yes, my mom would hate that we are in this situation but she also contributed to the situation and that is the unfortunate truth. It doesn't make her a bad mom. She was a wonderful mom but behaviors (that she also hated) were left unaddressed because she didn't want to deal with them. I feel confident that she would agree with that statement. In my current circumstances all I continue to feel is relief.

I don't think people talk enough about family estrangement. It's a taboo topic. But unfortunately it's more common than I ever thought. It is a subject that needs to come out of the shadows and into the light. Family estrangement needs to lose the stigma and shame that surrounds it. Those of us who find ourselves in this situation need support. We feel isolated. We feel like we are the only ones going through this. We could benefit from the support, counsel, and wisdom of people who understand, those who have been through it themselves. 27% of Americans experience family estrangement. Almost 70 million Americans experience this and yet it is almost never spoken about. When someone does finally confide in me that they are also experiencing this in their own family it is always in hushed whispers and shrouded in shame. We need to lose the shame. I did everything I could on my end and it was met with complete resistance and doubled down abuse. I had no other viable choice but no contact. I am only responsible for my own actions and I am at peace with them.

It is sad when families fall apart. I feel that. It was sad, devastating, brutal, and gut-wrenching. I mourned and continue to mourn for what cannot be. But sometimes it is also for the best. As I look back on decades of toxicity and emotional abuse; I can see the damage that it's done to me, my spouse, and to my children. Sometimes shutting it all down is the only thing that stops the nastiness from continuing. Without contact and communication...there is no more (or at least less) contention. There is nothing that continues to feed the toxic fire. I know that currently in my life...with my sisters the way they are... it is the only thing I can do to improve the situation. Shutting it all down brings space and silence which leads to peace. Space in which I *hope* my sisters will deal with their issues as I continue to deal with mine. 

Family estrangement isn't a fun topic...to discuss in person or on my blog. It's an isolating walk and a painful one but the only way out is through.  I yearn for a big loving extended family. I yearn for bustling holidays and vacations with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I choose to put my faith in the future. In the family that Tyler and I are building. That is where my effort lies. As far as my sisters go...I have no answers. Only time will tell and I am okay with that.

One-a-Day Challenge #16: My Mantra Is

My Mantra

I repeat this to myself all the time and it’s true.

One-a-Day Challenge #15: My Body is Telling Me

My Body is Telling Me...

s

It keeps the score.

If not now...when?

Perimenopause is a bi-otch.

Lift weights.

Go to bed earlier.

Meticulously watch what you eat. (Boo!)

Get outside.

Soak up the sunshine AND wear more sunscreen.

Drink more water. 

Intermittent fast.

Increase your steps...10,000 aren't enough.

Occasional down days are okay. 

One-a-Day Challenge #14: Happiness Is

 

Kameron coming home soon and our family being reunited after 2 long years.

One-a-Day Challenge #13: What I'm Listening To

 

This is what I am listening to on repeat. The Kate Bush song Running Up That Hill. I loved this song when I was 13 in 1985 and I love it now. We are big Stranger Things fans and when we started watching the new season and that song first came on I gushed about my love for Kate Bush and this song. Then it ended up being featured so prominently in the show and now I hear it everywhere. Guess what? I still love and I have yet to grow tired of it.

I love this! Ha Ha! I particularly love that 13 year old Kristin and 13 year old Bryn both love the same song!

One-a-Day Challenge #12: What I'm Wearing

Today was Ailey's graduation day. It is also Sunday. I wore a dress. I wore this outfit to both church and graduation. I wore my black and white polka dot short sleeved dress. I love polka dots. (Fun fact: the dress that I wore to my graduation was navy blue and white polka dots. I also wore pearls that I got for graduation.) 

Today I also had on my black t-strap sandals that have faux black stones on them. I love them. I wore a black sweater because it was rainy and cold. Above my apple watch I am wearing one of my most prized possessions. My mom's thick banded silver bracelet. 

Tyler and I bought that bracelet for my mom when we were first married. We wanted to give her something nice and we put that sucker on lay away (we were poor college kids) and made payments on it and then gave it to her for her birthday. She loved it! My mom loved chunky silver jewelry. She wore this bracelet almost every day. She's wearing it in almost every picture of her after she received the bracelet. She loved it and it is the one tangible item that is "her" to me. When she passed away I got it back. 

It went missing last summer between the 4th of July and this spring. I misplaced where I put it after I got back from traveling to Kirk's house. I cried more tears than you can imagine about losing that bracelet and then months later I found it. I SOBBED.  I like to wear it on special days/occasions. This is the first grandkid graduation that my mom was not at. She was achingly missed. I wore it today so that in some small way she was there with us cheering for Ailey.

One-a-Day Challenge #11: #TBT Throw Back Version of Me

Throw Back Pictures

My dad recently sent me these pictures. They are from when I was in college. My grandparents must have sent them to him. In them I am at my Grandma and Grandpa McKinnon's house. They lived in Provo and had a house down on Geneva road near Utah Lake. While my dad was not a constant in my life; his parents definitely were. Their house was a great sanctuary to me; as a child and while I was in college. I could go there anytime. Do anything. Eat anything. They were always so happy when I would show up. I had a standing Sunday dinner date every week. That was a much needed respite from roommates and the stress of college life. I could also show up anytime unannounced, raid their cupboards and refrigerator, which they always had stocked with my favorite things, and plop down on their couch and watch TV, or just chat with them. I loved it!

Me and my Grandma

She was the cutest. She was everything you would expect a grandma to be. She loved unconditionally and thought her grandkids hung the moon. To her dying day she called me her "little sweetheart." I miss her. She wasn't perfect. She had flaws and foibles but she was a darn good grandma.

My girls also love that I am wearing "mom jeans" in some of these pictures especially after I had just told Ailey and Bryn how "ugly" mom jeans are! LOL.

Oh man...look at that brat...eating chips in my grandparents LIVING ROOM like she owned the place. I would ream my own children for doing that in my mom's house or in Tyler's mom's house or MY house. But my grandparents let us do whatever we wanted probably to their detriment and the detriment of their furniture! My grandma probably encouraged me to go grab a snack and come talk to her. Still. 

This picture makes me laugh! My grandpa was a fantastic gardener/farmer. They were forever asking me to pose by their flowers while they took pictures. It was corny but I humored them. My grandma had this picture by her chair for years. My 90s mom jeans and baggy t-shirt are on full display. Yikes. 

There are very few people in life who will think that you are amazingly brilliant, talented, beautiful, clever, and funny. There are very few people who will think that you are the greatest thing to walk the earth. I appreciate my Grandma and Grandpa McKinnon for providing that for me especially for a girl who felt ugly, unlovable, gawky, and talentless. What a gift! My Nana (my step-grandma) also provided this for me. She would squeal and clutch her chest when I would walk in the room because of my *alleged* beauty or the way the sun was hitting my hair! She was always embarrassingly saying to my friends, "Isn't Kristin absolutely stunning?!" Uh-no. I wasn't. LOL. She was southern and dramatic but I appreciated her every gasp and squeal. I don't think there is a better gift that a grandparent can give a grandchild than acting like/telling them/maybe even really thinking that their grandchildren are the greatest things ever. Life and other people will always tell them otherwise so unconditionally loving and accepting grandparents are a true gift. Maybe even a life saving one.