June: Day 28

 Day 28: Something I Don't Share is...

The anger I feel. Especially about the lake situation. Yes, I've started writing about it on the blog as a way of processing my feelings but I don't speak much about it in my personal life. Some of my very close friends are in the know but most people are unaware of the extent and the toll that it has taken. It's a downer topic. It brings up weird feelings in people and I have enough to deal with than trying to figure out (or honestly care) why they are triggered. In a nutshell... I am a private person. I don't like speaking poorly of others. I don't like to be a complainer. The situation is embarrassing. My siblings are embarrassing.

But I am angry. I am angry with would-be friends and family who could believe the worst of me. I thought my integrity and loyalty meant more to them. I am even angrier about those lukewarm family and friends who show secret half-hearted support but never utter a word in my defense or Kirk's. These are people who have known us our entire lives. They know the kind of people that Kirk and I are and have always been. People that we have stood by and supported in the past.

I am angry with my mom. I am angry that she is gone. I am angry that she left us with this mess. Why didn't she get to the hospital quicker? She had blood clots in her lungs before; she had to have recognized the feeling. Why did she waste time calling Jordin of all people?! Why did she waste time driving to the airport when she knew something was wrong? Why didn't she drive straight to the hospital? Why didn't she address her dysfunctional issues with own her siblings and their spouses? Why did their dysfunction have to become MY dysfunction? Why didn't she get involved and put a stop to the petty issues with her own children? Why didn't she have those hard conversations about substance abuse with the children who have substance abuse issues rather than talk and complain ad nauseum about it to her other children? Why did she let things get so out of hand? Why didn't she retire when she said that she was going to? She would have never been on that plane and then Kirk and I wouldn't have to be dealing with her messy relationships and family and financial issues. I'm angry about unfinished conversations.

I am angry with the circumstances that require me to say goodbye to a place that I have loved my entire life. I am angry that people think it is a choice. I am angry that Kirk and I are treated like garbage for doing what needs to be done. I am angry that people are either totally awful to us, silent, or heap their own guilt and sadness on us. Carry your own burdens please.

I am angry that my biggest triggers are not doing the right thing and disloyalty. I am angry that doing the right thing and being loyal are so important to me and don't seem to mean much to others. I do what's right and am loyal to my own detriment. No one is throwing me a ticker tape parade for making the hard but right decisions in life. I am angry that people who should have... haven't shown me an ounce of appreciation for any of the loyalty that I have shown to them over the years. I am angry that I am disappointed by that and I am angry that I even care. I am angry that I am angry.

This isn't an uplifting post but it is a truthful one and it felt good to write.